Synopses & Reviews
"What the heck is my partner thinking?" is a common refrain in romantic relationships, and with good reason. Every person is wired for love differently, with different habits, needs, and reactions to conflict. The good news is that most people's minds work in predictable ways and respond well to security, attachment, and rituals, making it possible to actually neurologically prime the brain for greater love and fewer conflicts.
Wired for Love is a complete insiders guide to understanding your partners brain and enjoying a romantic relationship built on love and trust. Synthesizing research findings on how and why love lasts drawn from neuroscience, attachment theory, and emotion regulation, this book presents ten guiding principles that can improve any relationship.
Strengthen your relationship by:
- Creating and maintaining a safe couple bubble”
- Using morning and evening rituals to stay connected
- Learning to fight so that nobody loses
- Becoming the expert on what makes your partner feel loved
By learning to use simple gestures and words, readers can learn to put out emotional fires and help their partners feel more safe and secure. The no-fault view of conflict in this book encourages readers to move past a "warring brain" mentality and toward a more cooperative "loving brain" understanding of the relationship. This book is essential reading for couples and others interested in understanding the complex dynamics at work behind love and trust in intimate relationships.
While theres no doubt that love is an inexact science, if you can discover how you and your partner are wired differently, you can overcome your differences to create a lasting intimate connection.
“This book is grounded in the latest brain science, as well as being wonderfully friendly, encouraging, and practical. It shows readers how to stay out of dead-end conflicts and instead light up the neural circuits of empathy, skillful communication, and love. A marvelous resource.”
—Rick Hanson, PhD, author of Buddha's Brain
“I really enjoyed this book and learned a lot from it that I can use as a therapist. Stan Tatkin is a great innovator. This book is a must for every couples’ therapist’s library.”
—John Gottman, author of The Science of Trust
“If you feel lost, confused or alone in your relationship, get this book right now. You will finally make sense out of chaos and pain. This is your map to go from frustration and insecurity to realize the potential of why you initially got together. Stan Tatkin’s insightful book will teach you to work as a team to make your relationship journey safe, engaging, and deeply satisfying.”
—Peter Pearson, PhD, couples therapy specialist and cofounder of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, CA
“Stan Tatkin shows how our couple relationships would look if we took seriously what attachment theory and neuroscience research has taught us.”
—Dan Wile, author of After the Honeymoon
“Wired for Love challenges partners to experience their relationship in a totally new way. Partners will learn how to engage positively as a couple to help each other feel safe and secure by following the relationship exercises suggested in this exciting new book. In clear, concise language, Tatkin describes the ways that partners can understand and become experts on one another. He suggests building a “couple bubble” wherein each partner is the most important person in the other’s life, the one individual on whom the partner can always count.”
—Marion F. Solomon, director of clinical training at Lifespan Learning Institute and author of Narcissism and Intimacy, Lean on Me, and other books
“Read this book to discover a multitude of new ways to enliven your relationship and end needless conflicts. Stan Tatkin is one of the most innovative thinkers in the couples relationship world today. It's impossible to read this book without learning new patterns to enhance your love.”
—Ellyn Bader, PhD, cocreator of the developmental model of couples therapy, codirector of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, CA, and author of Tell Me No Lies and In Quest of the Mythical Mate
“Reading Stan Tatkin’s book makes you want to be in therapy with him. With intense and fearless clarity, he takes you into the trenches of the combative human brain and shows you how to make love, not war.”
—Esther Perel, LMFT, author of Mating in Captivity
Ive always been fascinated by attachment theory, which does a wonderful job of explaining how pivotal early events color all of life. Leslie Becker-Phelps helps us understand how anxious attachment plays itself out in our current relationshipsand what we do can to heal from that substantial early wound. Highly recommended!”
Eric Maisel, PhD, author of Rethinking Depression and The Van Gogh Blues
Drawing on the latest scientific research but written in an entertaining and accessible manner, this book will help you understand why you're insecure in your relationships. It will also help you heal, so that you can have healthier relationships with others, and perhaps more importantly, with yourself.”
Kristin Neff, PhD, author of Self-Compassion and associate professor of human development and culture at the University of Texas
This is a wonderfully user-friendly handbook on healthy relating, both with others and with ourselves. Leslie Becker-Phelps mentors us in such a clearand encouragingway. She shows us how we can open ourselves to others while tending our own boundaries so that real love can happen.”
David Richo, author of How to Be an Adult in Love
Insecure in Love
provides a step-by-step guide for overcoming the psychological hurdles that prevent so many people from finding and creating lasting and satisfying relationships. Becker-Phelps provides easy-to-use assessment tools and exercises that will help readers identify faulty ways of thinking and behaving, understand their childhood context, increase their self-compassion, and form loving and secure attachments going forward.”
Guy Winch, PhD, author of Emotional First Aid and The Squeaky Wheel
A wonderfully readable synthesis of attachment theory, mindfulness, and cutting-edge approaches to developing self-awareness. This is illustrated throughout with practical advice and vivid stories told by a wise and caring therapist, who is a recognized expert on cultivating successful relationships.”
Diane Handlin, PhD, founder and executive director of the Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Center, NJ
Leslie Becker-Phelps explains how early attachments can create obstacles to healthy and secure connections in adult romantic relationships. Insecure in Love
provides the self-knowledge and the tools necessary to overcome these obstacles and get you closer to feeling secure, happy, and loved in your relationships. Highly recommended for anyone who feels anxious and insecure in a relationship.”
Michelle Skeen, PsyD, author of The Critical Partner and host of Relationships 2.0 on KCAA 1050-AM
If youre single, youll discover how to choose a partner who is truly available for a connected, supportive, nurturing relationshipsomeone who accepts and loves you for you. If youre in a relationship, you will gain insight into your partners behavior and motivation and discover how to create a loving connection in which you both feel truly valued and cared for.
Filled with relevant, real-life examples and powerful exercises, Insecure in Love will help you leave your self-criticism and sabotaging behaviors behind and develop true self-compassion. No matter how much youve struggled in the past, you will finally understand how to create happy, healthy relationships and experience true, lasting love.”
Mali Apple and Joe Dunn, authors of The Soulmate Experience: A Practical Guide to Creating Extraordinary Relationships
It is rare that an author can take such a deep and meaningful subject and present it in a helpful, caring, and hopeful manner. Those who are suffering from anxiety disorders that have undermined past relationships will find her suggestions and exercises easy to understand and potentially very successful.”
Randi Gunther, PhD, author of Relationship Saboteurs
Motivated by her professional interest in humans and attachment theory, Dr. Becker-Phelps has developed a solid resource for men and women to improve their lives and their relationships. Insecure in Love is a clear and comprehensive guide for self-understanding and self-compassion in which readers are encouraged to explore themselves and complete step-by-step exercises. The end result will be greater understanding of your relationships and a healthier, more secure self!”
Kathryn Cortese, MSW, LCSW, ACSW, co-owner and president of Gürze-Salucore Eating Disorders Resource Catalogue
Insecure in Love
is engaging, practical, and comprehensive all at the same time. It takes the latest theories of love and provides a useful roadmap for why couples struggle to maintain closeness. Becker-Phelps gets to the heart of the challenge and describes what individuals need to address about themselves, as well as what couples can work on together, in order to recreate a meaningful connection between two people.”
Daniel Goldberg, PhD, director at the New Jersey Couples Training Program in the Center for Psychotherapy and Psychoanalysis of New Jersey
The Happy Couple
is a guidebook to relationships that every couple should read. My wife of fifty-nine years calls marriage a struggle, and Joseph Campbell called it an ordeal. They are defining the effort that two individuals must make to create a relationship. Let the wisdom of this book help the two of you create a third entity: a true and happy relationship.”
Bernie Siegel, MD, author of A Book of Miracles and The Art of Healing
The Happy Couple
makes a great pocket book. There will be times when you get into a bad spot with your partner and you want to do something right now to stop the stress. You only need to remember one thing: Where is my copy of The Happy Couple
? Just look up the appropriate tip and you're on your way to creating a better relationship. Plus, you can avoid another night on the couch and cold shoulders.”
Ellyn Bader, PhD, founder of The Couples Institute
When couples say they want to work on their relationship, what does that really mean, and what work is required? Goldsmiths The Happy Couple
lays it all out through clear objectives and direct behaviors. It also amply demonstrates how changed behaviors lead to changed feeling states. I can only believe that any couple who follows this set of promptings will evolve into a much better relationship.”
James Hollis, PhD, Jungian analyst and author of many books, including Hauntings: Dispelling the Ghosts Who Run Our Lives
Wired for Love offers couples principles from attachment theory and cognitive neuroscience to help them nurture the ìcouple bubbleî and learn to please and soothe their partners. Readers also discover effective nonverbal communication skills, techniques for quickly resolving common pitfalls and conflicts, and easy ways to increase feelings of comfort and security.
Almost everyone has felt jealous or insecure in a romantic relationship at some point in their lives. But people who constantly feel these emotions may suffer from anxious attachment, a fear of abandonment often rooted in early childhood experiences. In Insecure in Love, readers will learn how to overcome attachment anxiety using compassionate self-awareness, a technique that can help them recognize negative thoughts and get to the root of their insecurities so that they can cultivate secure, healthy relationships to last a lifetime.
Has your romantic partner called you clingy, insecure, desperate, or jealous? No one wants to admit that they possess these qualities; but if you find yourself constantly on the alert, anxious, or worried when it comes to your significant other, you may suffer from anxious attachment, a fear of abandonment that is often rooted in early childhood experiences. In Insecure in Love, you'll learn how to overcome attachment anxiety using compassionate self-awareness, a technique that can help you recognize your negative thoughts or unhealthy behavior patterns and respond to them in a nurturing wayrather than beating yourself up. Youll also learn how insecurity can negatively affect healthy dialog between you and your partner (or potential partners) and develop the skills needed to stop you from reverting back to old patterns of neediness and possessiveness.
If you suffer from anxious attachment, you probably know that you need to change, and yet you have remained stuck. With compassionate self-awareness, you can successfully explore old anxiety-perpetuating perceptions and habits without being overwhelmed or paralyzed by them. By understanding the psychological factors at the root of your attachment anxiety, you will learn to cultivate secure, healthy relationships to last a lifetime. If youre ready to stop getting stuck in the same hurtful relationship patterns and finally break the cycle of heartache, this book can show you how to get the love you deserveand keep it!
Everybody wants someone to love and spend time with, and searching for your ideal mate is a natural and healthy human tendency. Just about everyone dates at some point in their lives, yet few really understand what they are doing or how to get the best results. In Wired for Dating, psychologist and relationship expert Stan Tatkinauthor of the best-selling Wired for Loveoffers readers powerful tips based in neuroscience and attachment theory to help them find a compatible mate and go on to create successful, loving relationships.
In the age of online dating, finding a real connection can seem more daunting than ever! So, why not stack the odds of finding the right person in your favor? This book offers simple, proven-effective principles drawn from neuroscience and attachment theory to help you find the perfect mate.
Everybody wants someone to love and spend time with, and searching for your ideal partner is a natural and healthy human tendency. Just about everyone dates at some point in their lives, yet few really understand what they're doing or how to get the best results. In Wired for Dating, psychologist and relationship expert Stan Tatkin—author of Wired for Love—offers powerful tips based in neuroscience and attachment theory to help you find a compatible mate and go on to create a fabulous relationship.
Using real-life scenarios, you’ll learn key concepts about how people become attracted to potential partners, move toward or away from commitment, and the important role the brain and nervous system play in this process. Each chapter explores the scientific concepts of attachment theory, arousal regulation, and neuroscience. And with a little practice, you’ll learn to apply these exercises and practical techniques to your dating life.
If you’re ready to get serious (or not!) about dating, meet your match, and have more fun, this book will be your guide.
What makes a happy couple happy, and other couples, well, just plain unhappy? In The Happy Couple, prominent Los Angeles-based psychologist and radio talk show host Barton Goldsmith, PhD, offers simple, accessible tips and tools for developing and strengthening positive relationship habits such as gratitude, humor, togetherness, and honesty. In the book, Goldsmith shows readers how these simple habits will increase the likelihood of a relationship being happy, healthy, and long-lasting.
Bad habits: we all have them! But what happens when these bad habits extend to our relationships? Whether it's interrupting your partner mid-sentence, acting bored when they are speaking, or teasing them in hurtful waysover time these bad habits can lead to resentment, and can mean the difference between a wonderful, close relationship, and one characterized by conflict or unhappiness. Fortunately, for all of us, good relationship habits can be learned (or re-learned), and bad habits can be un-learned.
Named one of Americas Top Therapists” by Cosmopolitan magazine, prominent Los Angeles-based psychologist and radio talk show host Barton Goldsmith, PhD, offers readers simple, accessible tips and tools for developing and strengthening positive relationship habits such as gratitude, humor, togetherness, and honesty.
Habits can be hard to break, but if you love someone, youve got to make sacrifices. When you consider that 50 percent of marriages end in divorce, it becomes clear that many of us may need help in making a relationship thrive. The Happy Couple shows how simple acts of kindness and generosity can increase the likelihood of a relationship being happy, healthy, and long-lasting.
About the Author
Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of the psychobiological approach to couples therapy. He is assistant clinical professor in the family medicine department at the University of California, Los Angeles and is on the adjunct faculty of the masters psychology program at Antioch University in Santa Barbara, the masters psychology program at the California Lutheran University of Thousand Oaks, and the doctoral pre- and perinatal psychology program at Santa Barbara Graduate Institute. He teaches and supervises psychology students at Kaiser Permanente in Woodland Hills and is the creator of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy, or PACT. He is coauthor of Love and War in Intimate Relationships.
Harville Hendrix, PhD, a clinical pastoral counselor and co-creator of Imago Relationship Therapy, has more than thirty-five years' experience as an educator, public lecturer, and couples' therapist. He is the author of numerous bestsellers, including Getting the Love You Want.