pleasantlyignored: If a couple seems to get along well, spend time together, and be overall on the same page, but something is lacking in the bedroom, does that mean that there are bigger problems? I have noticed that porn seems more convenient these days for him rather than putting in the effort to make love.
Anouchka: Dear pleasantlyignored,
I don't know where to start. In fact your question shows me that I'm probably not cut out for this advice lark. It's too perplexing. I don't know you or your partner, and can't even be sure whether you exist. But if you do exist, I feel for you. It's hard to be in a sexless relationship. Or maybe it isn't. You are asking whether the lack of sex means there are other things you should be worrying about. So maybe that means you aren't actually worried about it, at least not yet.
One thing I wondered was whether the ideas of "convenience" and "effort" came from you or your partner. Or maybe you share this seemingly pragmatic approach to making love. You do make it sound like shopping, cooking, or some other functional activity. Could that be part of the problem? If you see sex as a chore that needs to be got out of the way, but can be made less arduous if one does it virtually, then I can only hope that you are on the same page on that front. If one of you sees it that way, while the other expects it to be genuinely exciting, then you really do have a problem on your hands.
I must say, though, that I feel unnecessarily cruel for pointing this out. What do I know about the intricacies of your relationship? Who am I to tell you anything about your sentimental life? And, especially, to do it in public. You are a total stranger and I will probably never know anything more about you than I do now. But you did ask me a question, and I did answer it, so you could say that we are already involved in some kind of relationship. Part of me might wish to fly out to wherever you are — assuming you are not my neighbour — and get to know you better. It's quite frustrating to be addressing you from a point of such great ignorance. But what would I really learn about you if we sat down and drank tea together? Or even if I came to stay in your house for a week? You could still keep secrets from me, or present me with an image of yourself that has little to do with your seething psychic life. I still wouldn't be able to advise you on how to live.
I understand now that my relationship to you is just a rather extreme version of your relationship to your partner. We are a mystery to one another. You appear to be on the same page, but how can you really know what goes on inside another person? And they you? You present an image of a relationship that sounds rather cosy and domesticated, but then you ask a question that suggests you are aware this isn't the whole story. That, my dear pleasantly, must surely be a good sign. You aren't dead to each other yet.