Hello again. I am Kyria Abrahams ? writer of many important books, one of which has been published on purpose. In my
first entry, I offered readers the option of reading this blog once each day for five consecutive days, or five times during a period of one frightening and supernatural 120-hour day.
At this point, I should mention that if you did, in fact, choose to approach my time at Powells.com as one single, 120-hour day, you may now be seeing the locusts.
Locusts, as you know, were the eighth Biblical plague inflicted upon the Egyptians, and are rarely seen outside of an apocalyptic setting. Groups of locusts are not considered to be lucky totems, unlike Virgin Mary-shaped seashells or unicorns lounging in a cloud at the base of a rainbow. In fact, swarming locusts are almost always utilized as a harbinger of doom.
However, in your case, the locusts are not to be feared. This approaching plague ? unlike the locusts sent to Pharaoh by the God of Israel ? are not real locusts. These are imaginary locusts, and are a harmless, common hallucination of a mind gone demented as the metabolic activity in the prefrontal cortex drops due to lack of sleep (and, by the way ? thank you for your interest in my blog!).
Anyway, don't be alarmed by the locusts.
Question: Should I be alarmed by the locusts?
Answer: No. The undulating shadows you see flickering upon the wallpaper as you crouch in terror beneath the dining room table are by no means a portent of impending Armageddon. Trust me, I was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness, we know from plagues of terror!
Question: But... I rather fear these locusts.
Answer: I reiterate: these are not real locusts. They cannot harm you. You can always smudge some ram's blood on your front door if that kind of thing makes you feel better, but it's not necessary. Don’t give a second thought to the locusts.
Question: Will the locusts ever leave?
Answer: Yes. After a few hours of sleep, your brain should begin to regenerate itself and your neurons will regulate back into a pattern of normal I-function. If the locusts don't leave, however, it's always possible that these are actually real locusts.
Question: Wait. I thought you said these weren't real locusts.
Answer: They aren't.
Question: But now you're saying it's possible that these are real locusts? That's distressing to me.
Answer: Correct. Some locusts aren't real. I cannot be held responsible for other people's locusts.
Question: Should I be alarmed by the locusts or not?
Answers: You should not be alarmed by my locusts. My locusts are apparitions, they are harmless specters. If these are someone else's locusts, then ? yes. I would take precautions.
Question: What kind of precautions?
Answer: Nothing too unusual. Fill a canvas bag with MREs, cyanide tablets and a light weapon such as a toothbrush sharpened into a shiv. Make peace with the God of your understanding. Dress for war. That kind of thing.
Question: Wait! I just tried to swat at one of the locusts and my hand passed right through it.
Answer: Great. Then it's definitely one of my locusts, and is therefore a harmless apparition.
Question: Not to be ungrateful, but I feel like I should ask one last time: should I be alarmed by the locusts?
Answer: Not a problem. And: absolutely not.
Question: Thank you for indulging me. It's just that these locusts...
Answer: Are bewildering, frightening and disconcerting?
Question: Yes. I'd say that.
Answer: I understand. I felt that way myself at first. About the locusts.
Question: So, should I put away the cyanide tablets and the shiv?
Answer: That's entirely up to you. But you don't need them for these locusts. Maybe for other locusts. Just not for my locusts.
Question: ...I think I'll leave them out for a while.
Answer: I think that's probably a good idea.