Step 1: Determine why the customer swallowed Blackberry
This information is only indicative of the customerâ€™s mental state, and the likelihood that they will ask for a refund or a new unit.
They swallowed it because they thought it would receive better reception.
This is a common misperception about the device.
They swallowed it because it was secretly baked inside a knish by a pranking coworker.
Refer the customer to his/her employer's human resource department. Do not appear to judge pranking co-worker or automatically "side" with the customer. You may suggest that sometimes you, too, have been "punked."
The customer recently read the poem "Blackberry Eating" by Galway Kinnell and couldn't wait for blackberry season.
They're lying or playing a practical joke: poets do not use Blackberries.
Step 2: Sympathize!
Offer a brief moment of sympathy, such as: "People swallow Blackberries all the time. I mean, come on, it's called a Blackberry ? lots of our customers in urban areas have never even seen a real blackberry." Remind them that, next time, a real blackberry is often accompanied by sharp thorns, rather than Gmail.
Begin with an expression of measured empathy, but make no promises. At some point, you should mention that the warranty is voided automatically for swallowing the Blackberry, but perhaps not so early in the conversation, as this information tends to increase hostility from a person already doubled over in stomach pain.
Step 3: Resolution
Ask whether the customer's Blackberry is wireless-enabled (click link for model numbers) and if they are currently connected to the internet.
If YES, send a blank text message to customer. Ask if they received the text message.
- If on vibrate: the customer will likely feel that he/she is hungry.
- If on sound: the customer will complain now about how the Macarena ring tone is really rather annoying. Proceed to script #27, Remotely Restoring Remote Ring Tone.
- If in silent mode: well, the customer really should have thought about this before swallowing it.
Note: There is no technical reason to send the text message, although the company likes to collect data on its products in the field and is curious to discover how much body fat it takes to interfere with transmission.
Step 4. Conclusion
This final part is very important: you must gently guide this person through the surgical process of Blackberry removal, but without appearing as if you are giving medical advice. This surgery is very technical, as there is danger inherent in any procedure involving a laceration of the stomach wall. This should only be attempted by Tier Three tech support.
Note: If you spend more than five minutes helping a customer who has swallowed his or her Blackberry, you will automatically be docked one week's pay and automatically disqualified from the Tech Support Department's Fantasy Island Giveaway contest.
Last night the barkeep politely rejected my "flaming absinthe" drink, I believe because of fire/insanity codes, but the bar offered a variation of the Sidecar, aptly named the Sidekick:
- 1 1/2 oz. Vodka
- 3/4 oz. Triple Sec
- 3/4 oz. Lemon or Lime Juice
Mix, chill, serve, and save the world.
I'll be reading tonight at Porter Square Books in Cambridge, MA, 7-8pm. It's the final night of my book tour, and though I won't appear in tights, I will try to do something fun and exciting. Maybe I'll raffle off one of my kidneys! Seems selfish to keep both of them.