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The New York Regional Mormon Singles Halloween Dance

by Elna Baker, October 26, 2009 10:13 AM

Hello readers,

My name is Elna Baker and I will be your guest blogger for the next week. Whazzzup? For those of you unfamiliar with my work, or me for that matter: I was born in Seattle, I grew up in Madrid and London, I currently live in New York City and I'm a 27-year-old Mormon virgin (a doubting Mormon and I really wouldn't mind getting laid).

This opportunity to blog to you comes at a critical time in my life. Halloween is fast approaching and I need your help choosing a costume to wear to The New York Regional Mormon Singles Halloween Dance. People often ask me if this dance (which is also the title of my recent memoir) is an actual event. Unfortunately, it is. Every year, on the Saturday closest to Halloween, the Mormon Church sponsors a singles dance for all the Mormons in the tri-state area. I've been to this dance eight years in a row. Not because I enjoy it (it occurs in the church gym and feels like being back in middle school) but because each year I manage to concoct a new reason to give the dance a chance. This year's reason: Francoise, a hot Frenchman who recently joined the Mormon Church. A part of me wonders if Francoise is real (I've never actually seen him), or if he's propaganda put out by the leaders of the church to keep us single women coming to lame church social activities. Another part of me believes whole-heartedly that Francoise and I are going to meet at this year's dance, fall head over heels in love, and retire to his château in Biarritz where we'll spend our nights sipping Martinellis and sending each other mixed sexual messages.

But in order for this to happen I need a costume that attracts a French man who's trying to be Mormon (i.e. sexy but not too sexy, since he's left that side of him behind. In the past, I've made some seriously bad costume choices. Namely, the year I dressed as a fortune cookie only to arrive at the dance and discover I looked like a giant female body part. To hear the full story click here, or simply use your imagination.

I've been brainstorming costumes and so far this is what I have:

I could go as Hester Prynne, but instead of a scarlet A I'd have a scarlet M for "Mormon," since half of the Mormon community dislikes me for writing such a candid account of my faith. (This costume works, in theory, only I'm worried people on the street will see the M and think it stands for something like masturbation or masochist. Both true.)

I could go as a fetus holding a sign: Will you marry my mommy? xo Elna's unborn child. Only I worry unborn baby will make me look fat.

Or I could go as the Second Coming, sneak up on people, and say, "You ready, bitch?"

This list is getting worse by the minute, so instead of continuing, I seek your help: What should I wear to this year's Mormon dance?

Books mentioned in this post

Scarlet Letter

Nathaniel Hawthorne

New York Regional Mormon Singles Halloween Dance A Memoir

Elna Baker

Best Fiction of 2020 by Powell's Books
25 Books to Read Before You Die: 21st Century by Powell's Staff
Midyear Roundup 2021: The Best Books of the Year (So Far) by Powell's Staff
The 11 Best Places to Read by Will Schwalbe
25 Books to Read Before You Die: Pacific Northwest Edition by Powell's Staff

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10 Responses to "The New York Regional Mormon Singles Halloween Dance"

Mr Mike II October 27, 2009 at 01:05 PM

You could go as Magic Underwear, a Mormon superhero. Think Nikki from HBO's radical Mormon series "Big Love" (as played by Chloe Sevigny) as Wonder Women as inspired by Spongebob Squarepants. Or maybe not.

janeannechovy October 26, 2009 at 08:34 PM

I like John's suggestions (hi John!). I even once attended a party where someone came as Mother in Heaven. Of course, it was at the home of two gay former Mormons, but still! Angels in America I fear is not sufficiently current for anyone to "get" it. It would have been perfect for my own years in the Manhattan III ward in the early to mid-1990s (when a gay schoolmate moved in with me, we used to joke that we lived in the Angels in America apartment). I never attended a regional Halloween dance, but the Manhattan III ward Halloween dances were pretty free-wheeling as these things go. Although the church usually discourages dressing as a member of the opposite sex, one year the bishop's wife came dressed as her husband, and a guy (who would not too many years later become bishop of another Manhattan ward) borrowed a friend's flight attendant uniform. I always like group costumes--maybe you can recruit some friends to help you be the Big Love crew?

Charleen October 26, 2009 at 08:32 PM

Hmmm. I know of a couple who went as a Freudian slip and the other as a legal brief. Go figure. Here's one for you... how about going as "Elna is late with 8?" Seems a shame to waste a perfectly good pseudo-pregnancy with only 1 fetus. I think 8 would get you closer to God, no?

M October 26, 2009 at 07:41 PM

I think it depends on whether you want to converse or not. Case in point, one year a friend went to the local Halloween shindig as an Edward Gorey drawing. It was an automatic screening mechanism, although she spent the whole evening deciding whether or not it was worth saying, "y'know, like the 'Mystery' credits?" So if you want a talking point, go as something obscure. Or else just put on a bathrobe & pig ears and go as the swine flu.

Aimee October 26, 2009 at 04:30 PM

You could wear a nude catsuit and have golden plates placed strategically on your body.

Josh October 26, 2009 at 04:19 PM

For what it's worth, the -e ending of Franc[plus cedille]ois is the feminine spelling (i.e., Frances v. Francis). Nevertheless, I wish you well.

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