My name is Elna Baker and I will be your guest blogger for the next week. Whazzzup? For those of you unfamiliar with my work, or me for that matter: I was born in Seattle, I grew up in Madrid and London, I currently live in New York City and I'm a 27-year-old Mormon virgin (a doubting Mormon and I really wouldn't mind getting laid).
This opportunity to blog to you comes at a critical time in my life. Halloween is fast approaching and I need your help choosing a costume to wear to The New York Regional Mormon Singles Halloween Dance. People often ask me if this dance (which is also the title of my recent memoir) is an actual event. Unfortunately, it is. Every year, on the Saturday closest to Halloween, the Mormon Church sponsors a singles dance for all the Mormons in the tri-state area. I've been to this dance eight years in a row. Not because I enjoy it (it occurs in the church gym and feels like being back in middle school) but because each year I manage to concoct a new reason to give the dance a chance. This year's reason: Francoise, a hot Frenchman who recently joined the Mormon Church. A part of me wonders if Francoise is real (I've never actually seen him), or if he's propaganda put out by the leaders of the church to keep us single women coming to lame church social activities. Another part of me believes whole-heartedly that Francoise and I are going to meet at this year's dance, fall head over heels in love, and retire to his château in Biarritz where we'll spend our nights sipping Martinellis and sending each other mixed sexual messages.
But in order for this to happen I need a costume that attracts a French man who's trying to be Mormon (i.e. sexy but not too sexy, since he's left that side of him behind. In the past, I've made some seriously bad costume choices. Namely, the year I dressed as a fortune cookie only to arrive at the dance and discover I looked like a giant female body part. To hear the full story click here, or simply use your imagination.
I've been brainstorming costumes and so far this is what I have:
- I could go as Hester Prynne, but instead of a scarlet A I'd have a scarlet M for "Mormon," since half of the Mormon community dislikes me for writing such a candid account of my faith. (This costume works, in theory, only I'm worried people on the street will see the M and think it stands for something like masturbation or masochist. Both true.)
- I could go as a fetus holding a sign: Will you marry my mommy? xo Elna's unborn child. Only I worry unborn baby will make me look fat.
- Or I could go as the Second Coming, sneak up on people, and say, "You ready, bitch?"
This list is getting worse by the minute, so instead of continuing, I seek your help: What should I wear to this year's Mormon dance?