Dear Supreme Being:
I want to thank you for successfully intervening and settling the labor dispute between the players and owners of the National Football League. To the great relief of millions, the biggest sporting enterprise in American civilization will unfold this fall and once again spectacularly conclude with that quintessential American orgy of violence, fanaticism, and commercialism known as the Super Bowl.
Yes, thank you! Imagine the cultural revolution that would have ensued had the labor dispute cancelled the season. The average (overweight) American man would've had nothing to do on Sunday afternoon, Monday night, and the occasional Thursday and Friday evenings, and thus, they could have entertained some cultural options. They could talk to their wives or girlfriends or boyfriends. They could even have sex with them. They could play with their children or walk their dogs. They could do some home improvement. They could read literature or volunteer at the food bank.
Or, heaven forbid, they could've brought their wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, children, and dogs to the Oregon Coast beaches, where I would've invariably suffered their presence and their umbrellas and cell phone use. You see, I have a real phobia of encountering other humans on the beach (which is why I usually go at 5:30 a.m.) because I don't want to have to deal with all their attendant neuroses. I have my own to work through.
Supreme Being, quite naturally you recognize the true nature of my appreciation: No pro football = more humans on the beach. More people on the beach = an irritated recluse. Thus, I can't say it enough. Thank you!
But... although I hate to seem ungracious, I need a bit more from you. More intervention.
The NBA season looks imperiled, so please help out there. Moreover, I keep waiting for Oregonians to suddenly wake up and confront the lucrative, academic-free-zone sham that is big time college football, which, should that happen, might compel Oregonians not to follow the fortunes of UO and OSU football. If that happens, humans might decide to turn off the TV and come to the beach.
I can't have that.
The more the bread, circuses, and concussions in American culture, the less chance humans will appear on Oregon's ocean beaches and pollute the moment for me. Supreme Being, please continue to assist me on this account and I will forever serve you.