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PowellsBooks.Blog
Authors, readers, critics, media − and booksellers.

Original Essays

Sh*t My Dad Says: The Book

by Justin Halpern, May 12, 2010 11:55 PM
"I don't 'hop' into cars. Who the fuck 'hops' into a fucking car? Am I some kind of cheap hooker? Take that bullshit out. Just write, 'My dad GOT into the car.'"

And that is a small taste of what it was like to write a book about growing up with my dad, and then to let him read the manuscript and have final say as to what he did or did not want included. Although he was particular about a few things (like not using the word "hop" to describe his method for entering and exiting automobiles), he could not have been more supportive of my efforts to write the story of our relationship.

Before I got started, I decided that I'd have him read each chapter before I sent it to my editor — to make sure he felt comfortable with everything in it and to confirm the accuracy of my memories. The vetting process began with my printing out the manuscript pages (he refuses to read off a computer) and sitting quietly next to him at the living room table in my parents' house in San Diego as he held a red pen in his hand and occasionally turned to me to say something like: "You use the word amazing twice in two sentences."

"Dad, I really just want you to check the material to make sure you're comfortable with it. My editor will help me shape it. All I care about is that you're comfortable."

"Well, I'm not comfortable with people thinking you're an amazing dumbshit, and that's what they'll think if they see you use the word amazing twice in two fucking sentences."

Despite his editorializing, reviewing my manuscript with him was a great experience. I was reliving my childhood, and he was reliving that time in our lives, too, except through my eyes. After going through each chunk of new chapters, we'd stroll down to our favorite pizza place, on the boardwalk next to the San Diego Harbor, where we'd grab a bite to eat and talk about whatever was on his mind.

"Unfuckingbelievable," he said one day at lunch when I was about half way through writing Sh*t My Dad Says. "You. You're going to be published."

"Well, I mean, I've been published before, Dad, so—"

"Bullshit. That titty magazine doesn't count."

"Maxim's not a... Okay, yes, in that titty magazine. But also on the web and stuff."

"The Internet? That's not being published. Any asshole can get on the Internet and toss shit up."

"Is this you congratulating me?" I asked.

"Ah, shit, yeah, sorry. I'm proud of you," he said. We sat quietly munching garlic rolls for a few moments, before he added, "But seriously, the fucking Internet doesn't count."

And that's kind of how it is with my dad — and why I love him to death. There's no filter on the man. You know where you stand with him; you never have to guess. I think a lot of people have similar relationships with their fathers — relationships not about passing the ball and riding double bicycles and eating ice cream cones, but rather based on a series of triumphs, mistakes, arguments, and incredibly awkward moments.

"I wasn't the perfect dad, but I did what I thought was right and tried not to raise an asshole," he told me after he finished reading the last page of the book a couple months later.

"Nobody's perfect, Dad," I said.

He turned and looked at me from across the living room table.

"Son, do me a favor: Don't speak in meaningless fucking clichés. Now put your shoes on. I'll take you out for some pizza."




Books mentioned in this post

Shit My Dad Says

Halpern, Justin
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16 Responses to "Sh*t My Dad Says: The Book"

Poopmouth June 3, 2010 at 10:19 AM
Actually the intent doesn't even matter. Sh*t and poop are two words that describe exactly the same thing, yet one of them needs an asterisk and the other can appear anywhere. Is there something really dangerous and mind-blowing about that short "I" sound that the double-oh sound helps negate? (It's even acceptable to say "shoot" instead of "sh*t" as an outburst, thus proving the power of that vowel.) F*ck and hump are identical in meaning. Intent? Well, if you tell someone to "go hump yourself" I guess they won't be quite as offended...but still, what's the deep, dark magic of these words that makes prudish types so deeply irate? It's a motherf*cking sh*tty mystery to me.

PeterPaul June 3, 2010 at 01:30 AM
A word is a word is a word. There is nothing obscene about a collection of letters that make a word, except--intent. The s word is not obscene unless you mean for it to be obscene. The f word is not obscene unless you intend for it to be obscene. So why do people use the s word and the f word? They mean for these words to be obscene, or vulgar. They mean to be impolite, disrespectful, offensive, juvenile, transgressive, or tribally edgy, macho or crude. Why else use the words?

Tabitha June 2, 2010 at 07:38 AM
I find it interesting that some people think 'old ladies' become saintly with age and must be protected by misguided sanctimony. A profane young lady will most likely become a more profane and wiser old lady. I grew up with a mother who was as cantankerous, if not more so than the father in this story. Even now in my senior years I am becoming more aware of the profound and funny way she imparted wisdom to me. I could never repeat the f word until I was almost 60. Now I know that it is just a word and can sometimes speak volumes.

Dicky Dawkins June 1, 2010 at 12:11 PM
Powells asks us not to post obscenities in our comments -- and then posts obscenities promoting this book. Pure hypocrisy. This book is obvious vulgar rubbish that only a teenager, or someone who never grew up, could find funny.

Stephilius May 21, 2010 at 01:58 PM
Oh, such alarm! Those who think naughty words have no place in literature and that you're not a serious writer in you "go there" are very silly. And those who feel the need to rub our noses in it and want us to just get over out fussy distaste for "real language" are very silly, too. You can't really make any sensible argument for either extreme. What you can make an argument for is using this language when it's correct/useful to do so. The language used in the book being discussed is - exactly - the right language for this book. Read it or don't. What's inside a book is - inside - a book. The language used outside the book is more of an issue. I have no problem with any of these "naughty" words, but I don't want to hear them around children, I don't want to hear them around old ladies, and I don't want to see a book displayed on the shelf titled "CUNT". As in most things, it comes down to - some - sensitivity to other people's feelings. It comes down to simple respect.

monkeywomantoo May 21, 2010 at 09:57 AM
sam halpern is brilliant AND fucking hysterical! if some people can't appreciate that just because they're afraid of the word fuck, well.......fuck them.

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