I've had fun blogging this week. I want to end on a high note, which is why I've composed this final, carefully-researched essay. Here we go:
A personal essay by Elaine Szewczyk outlining the most important reasons to buy the novel I'm with Stupid
Every single day people stop me on the street and ask: "Elaine, why should we read your debut novel, I'm with Stupid? Who cares about you?" In the past, when people came up and said this stuff, I responded by crying loudly and rolling around on the cement. But I'm better than that. Now I respond by saying things like, "Your shoes are ugly." Or, "I didn't know women could go bald." If the person I am addressing does not immediately draw a handlebar mustache on my upper lip with a Sharpie or tie my shoelaces together, I go in for the kill and offer my sales pitch. I begin by ever so gently placing my right hand on the person's shoulder (my left hand is made of driftwood, but that's not important here), then patiently offer the reasons why I'm with Stupid is the only novel for him/her. Let me share these reasons with you now, in case people come up to you and ask about my novel.
#1: The Cover
The cover of I'm with Stupid features a woman wearing cool sunglasses. People love cool sunglasses. I love cool sunglasses so much that sometimes I wear three pairs at once. I don't care. I do it. Famous people whose pictures I have seen in magazines who love cool sunglasses include Tom Cruise. I think you know where I'm going with this: Scientology is awesome. Another place I'm going with this? David Duchovny. I never see him in magazines wearing cool sunglasses. In conclusion, if you want to avoid being a clinically diagnosed sex addict with your own HBO show, start reading.
#2: The Word Count
I'm with Stupid is a 322-page book. That's pretty long. People love long books. Long books that I am aware of that people love include the Bible. Plus, a longer book means more time spent reading, which means you can avoid doing things you don't want to do for longer periods of time, such as laundry and having sex with your husband. (Additionally, you can avoid doing things you like to do but should never do under any circumstances, such as wink seductively at my boyfriend, if you are a floozy and would do such a thing (that means you, Roberta — I'm onto you)). Bottom line: Roberta is a floozy and a devil worshipper.
#3: The Price
I'm with Stupid retails for $13.99 (less online). As Sarah Palin recently pointed out: These are tough economic times. I'm not very good at math, nor am I a maverick heading offshore to drill for oil, but here's what I do know about doing math during tough economic times: $13.99 is one penny less than $14.00. Most books cost $14 or more. Books that cost $14 or more will, let's face it, put you into bankruptcy. They may also give you the flu. I recently had the flu. It's no good. Your nose runs and you get super hot. As for bankruptcy? I personally can't stand bankruptcy. If bankruptcy threw a party, I would RSVP but not show up. That's how much I hate bankruptcy. I love to save money. The other day I stole biscotti because I had the munchies and wanted to save money. (I'm not telling you this because I want you to steal from Barnes & Noble — I'm telling you this because I have nothing to hide other than my drinking problem.) If you pass on a $14 book and buy I'm with Stupid instead, you'll have saved one penny. Which means that if you buy 10,000 copies of I'm with Stupid, you'll have saved $100. Please purchase 10,000 copies today. The alternative is bankruptcy, not to mention the flu.