I am totally not cool. Not in the traditional sense, anyway. Though I have managed to scam myself into a certain level of cool-by-association — I do boner jokes and swears on the Internet, you know — I have never been cool and I will probably never be cool. I don't know anything about bands, marijuana gives me night terrors, and I love '90s PC adventure games (MONKEY ISLAND, WHAT) and young-adult fiction about lady knights. Luckily, I have cool friends, and they wrote some cool chapters about being cool in our cool book, How to Be a Person
. I keep this one laminated in my purse in case I'm trying to seduce a music nerd.
What the Albums in Your Dorm Room Say About You
THE BEATLES: You own an album.
THE ROLLING STONES: You own two albums.
THE BEACH BOYS: You have never surfed in your life.
THE CLASH: You’re experimenting with Marxism.
SLEATER-KINNEY: You’re experimenting with lesbianism.
BELLE & SEBASTIAN: You’re experimenting with acting gay to get the girls who are experimenting with lesbianism.
MINOR THREAT: You’re straight-edge and no fun at parties.
FUGAZI: Used to be straight-edge, still no fun at parties.
Q AND NOT U: Used to be straight-edge, learned how to dance, finally fun at parties!
JAWBREAKER: You get sentimental about punk shows.
LCD SOUNDSYSTEM: You get sentimental about dance parties.
PHISH: You were in high school jazz band, and now you smoke pot.
BOB MARLEY: Your parents know you smoke pot.
THE RAMONES/SEX PISTOLS: You resent your parents for paying your tuition.
PUBLIC IMAGE LTD.: You’re in communications.
ARCADE FIRE: You’re in musical theater.
DEVO: You’re in experimental arts.
VAMPIRE WEEKEND: You wish you’d gotten into a better school.
PAVEMENT: You test well but don’t do your homework.
PUBLIC ENEMY: You resent “the Man” and/or are embarrassed about being the offspring of “the Man.”
THE NOTORIOUS B.I.G.: You’re a chubby-chaser with necrophilia.
LIL WAYNE: You love comedy and possibly cough syrup. (No homo!)
LADY GAGA: You hate social injustice and possibly pants. (Yes homo!)
PRINCE: You are funky, sexually freaky.
AL GREEN: You are tastefully horny and likely to be a good lover.
TOBY KEITH: Your dick smells like goat butt.
GLEE SOUNDTRACK: You hate music.
Did it work? Are you seduced? If anyone wants to talk to me about Monkey Island, you can reach me at firstname.lastname@example.org.