Dance of Connection How to Talk to Someone When Youre Mad Hurt Scared Frustrated Insulted Betrayed or Desperate

Chapter One

Finding Your Voice

The thread that unites my work both as an author and as a psychotherapist is my desire to help people speak wisely and well, sometimes about the most difficult subjects. This includes asking questions, getting a point across, clarifying desires, beliefs, values, and limits. How such communication goes determines whether we want to come home or stay away at the end of the day.This is no simple matter, as glib terms like "communication skills" or "assertiveness training" imply. Assertiveness is considered a good idea -- if not a cultural ideal. But despite decades of assertiveness training and lots of good advice about communicating with clarity, timing, and tact, we may do our best to speak but still feel unheard. We may find that we cannot affect our husband or wife or partner, that fights go nowhere, that conflict brings only pain rather than an opportunity for two people to learn more about each other. We may have the same dilemma with our mother, sister or uncle, or close friend.The Limits of "Good Communication"

We all want to communicate well and make ourselves heard. "He just doesn't get it" or "She's so critical" are sentiments I hear daily in my work. When we speak from the heart, we long for an ear to hear us, and we all have experienced that down feeling when we perceive ourselves as written off or misunderstood.I wish I could reassure you that reading this book will guarantee that you will finally be heard in your most difficult relationships. Or that strengthening your voice will bring you the love and approval of others. Or that following my good advice will give you a deep sense of inner peace.Truth is, nothing you say can ensure thatthe other person will get it, or respond the way you want. You may never exceed his threshold of deafness. She may never love you, not now or ever. And if you are courageous in initiating, extending, or deepening a difficult conversation, you may feel even more anxious and uncomfortable, at least in the short run.All the assertiveness training and communication skills in the world can't prevent a relationship from becoming fertile ground for silence and stonewalling, or for anger and frustration, or for just plain hard times. No book or expert can protect us from the range of painful emotions that make us human. We can influence the other person through our words and silence, but we can never control the outcome.That said, what we "can" learn in the chapters ahead is enormous. We can "maximize" the chance of being heard and moving relationships forward. We can take a conversation to the next level when the initial foray doesn't bring the desired result, We can stop nonproductive conversational habits so that an old relationship will take a new turn. We can clarify what we feel entitled to and responsible for -- and what we really want to say. Or, alternatively, we can learn to sit more comfortably with our confusion. We can operate from a solid position of self, even when the other person won't speak to us at all.Toward an Authentic Voice

The challenge of finding an authentic voice within an intimate relationship is far larger than a word like "communication" can ever begin to convey. Authenticity brings to mind such elusive qualities as being "fully present, centered," and "in touch" with our best selves in our most important conversations. Moving in this direction requires us toclarify -- to ourselves and others -- what's important to us. Having an authentic voice means that:

We can openly share competence as well as problems and vulnerability.

We can warm things up and calm them down.

We can listen and ask questions that allow us to truly know the other person and to gather information about anything that may affect us.

We can say what we think and feel, state differences, and allow the other person to do the same.

We can define our values, convictions, principles, and priorities, and do our best to act in accordance with them.

We can define what we feel entitled to in a relationship, and we can clarify the limits of what we will tolerate or accept in another's behavior.

We can leave (meaning that we can financially and emotionally support ourselves), if necessary.

The second half of this list is about knowing our bottom line -- that is, the values, beliefs, and priorities that are so crucial to preserving and protecting the self that we will not compromise them in any relationship. This is, perhaps, the most difficult challenge in couples.In the abstract, any or all of these actions may seem obvious and easy. But when we are dealing with difficult subjects or significant relationships, nothing is ever simple.Bold New Conversations

The challenge in conversation is not just to be our self but to choose the self we want to be. What we call "the self" is never static, but instead is a work in progress. That's why we don't discover who we are by sitting alone on a mountaintop and meditating, or by being introspective and "going deeper," as valuable asthese disciplines may be. The royal road for both discovering and reinventing the self is through our relationships with other people and the conversations we engage in.In a sad paradox, the more important and enduring a relationship (say, with a partner or relative), the more we tend to participate in narrow, habitual conversations where our experience of our self and the other person becomes fixed and small. My goal is to challenge us to engage in novel conversations that will create a larger, more empowering view of who we are and what is truly possible.Although I resonate with the phrase "finding our voice," the image it evokes is deceptive. We don't dig our authentic voice out of the muck, as a dog digs...

"I love Hariet Lerner's work." -Anne Lamott, author of Traveling Mercies

“Lerners mass appeal results in…accessible and well-organized work that…belongs in all libraries Highly recommended.” Library Journal

"Brimming with practical advice, sharp wit, extraordinary knowledge, deep caring." Edward M. Hallowell, M.D., author of Driven to Distraction

“Lerner rescues us from the swamps and quicksands of difficult relationships with her unique clarity and profound intelligence. This book is for everyone.” Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D., author of < i=""> After the Affair <>

“Lerner does a remarkable job teaching us new steps in the complicated, mysterious, painful and beautiful dance that we call family life.” Mary Pipher, Ph.D.

“The Dance of Connection can save your marriage, a friendship, and your relationship with your mother, father, sister, brother--even your boss. Brimming with practical advice, sharp wit, extraordinary knowledge, deep caring.” Edward M. Hallowell, M.D.

In her most affirming and life-changing book yet, Dr. Harriet Lerner teaches us how to restore love and connection with the people who matter the most. In The Dance of Connection we learn what to say (and not say) when:

• We need an apology, and the person who has harmed us won't apologize or be accountable.
• We don't know how to take a conversation to the next level when we feel desperate.
• We feel worn down by the other person's criticism, negativity, or irresponsible behavior.
• We have been rejected or cut off, and the other person won't show up for the conversation.
• We are struggling with staying or leaving, and we don't know our "bottom line."
• We are convinced that we've tried everything -- and nothing changes.

Filled with compelling personal stories and case examples, Lerner outlines bold new "voice lessons" that show us how to speak with honor and personal integrity, even when the other person behaves badly.

Whether we're dealing with a partner, parent, sister, or best friend, The Dance of Connection teaches us how to navigate our most important relationships with clarity, courage, and joyous conviction.

Bestselling author Harriet Lerner focuses on the challenge and the importance of being able to express one's "authentic voice" in intimate relationships.

The key problem in relationships, particularly over time, is that people begin to lose their voice. Despite decades of assertiveness training and lots of good advice about communicating with clarity, timing, and tact, women and men find that their greatest complaints in marriage and other intimate relationships are that they are not being heard, that they cannot affect the other person, that fights go nowhere, that conflict brings only pain. Although an intimate, long-term relationship offers the greatest possibilities for knowing the other person and being known, these relationships are also fertile ground for silence and frustration when it comes to articulating a true self. And yet giving voice to this self is at the center of having both a relationship and a self. Much as she did in THE MOTHER DANCE, Lerner will approach this rich subject with tales from her personal life and clinical work, inspiring and teaching readers to speak their own truths to the most important people in their lives.

In her most affirming and life-changing book yet, Dr. Harriet Lerner teaches us how to restore love and connection with the people who matter the most. In The Dance of Connection we learn what to say (and not say) when:

• We need an apology, and the person who has harmed us won't apologize or be accountable.
• We don't know how to take a conversation to the next level when we feel desperate.
• We feel worn down by the other person's criticism, negativity, or irresponsible behavior.
• We have been rejected or cut off, and the other person won't show up for the conversation.
• We are struggling with staying or leaving, and we don't know our "bottom line."
• We are convinced that we've tried everything -- and nothing changes.

Filled with compelling personal stories and case examples, Lerner outlines bold new "voice lessons" that show us how to speak with honor and personal integrity, even when the other person behaves badly.

Whether we're dealing with a partner, parent, sister, or best friend, The Dance of Connection teaches us how to navigate our most important relationships with clarity, courage, and joyous conviction.

Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., is one of our nations most loved and respected relationship experts. Renowned for her work on the psychology of women and family relationships, she served as a staff psychologist at the Menninger Clinic for more than two decades. A distinguished lecturer, workshop leader, and psychotherapist, she is the author of The Dance of Anger and other bestselling books. She is also, with her sister, an award-winning children's book writer. She and her husband are therapists in Lawrence, Kansas, and have two sons.