Introduction An Informal Meet-and-Greet, A Little History and What You Can Expect from Here on Out
Heres a conversation I have pretty much every day
—Guy: What do you do?
Me: Im writing a book for women in their 20s.
Guy (suddenly very interested): Oooh, is it about sex?
Me: Um, no. I mean, yeah, sure, its about sex. But its also about a trillion other things like
—Guy: So what can you tell me?
Me: About what?
—Guy: You know, about women in their 20s, what do I need to know? I like women in their 20s.
Me: Im not writing a dating manual.
—Guy: Then what else is there to write about?
Well, actually quite a bit. Theres this asinine rumor going around that the majority of our time is spent teetering about in stilettos, trying not to spill our very pink cocktails on our very tight frocks, lest we embarrass ourselves adorably in front of the smoldering hunk smiling at us over on the banquette.
You and I both know theres little truth in that tableau outside of a romantic comedy. But for all the complexity of our lives, insulting stereotypes persist. There seems to be no end to knowing aunts, cheeky advice columnists and plucky sitcom heroines peddling conflicting messages about how you can “survive and thrive” during your quarterlife odyssey. But somewhere between the overplayed “you go girl!” cheering and the outdated “find a man and settle down” guidance, the important questions arent being answered. How do you say “no” without feeling guilty? Where can you find a bra that fits? Why do some of yourgirlfriends turn into paper dolls when theyre around guys? Should you take “Dry Clean Only” tags seriously? What are you going to do with the rest of your life? Girl, meet World. World, play nicely. Oh, if only it were that simple!
In 2002, I was 27, working as an editor for a womens media company. Every week, books for review would arrive on my desk, each marketed squarely at me. These glittering tomes had witty titles and flashy covers that promised to explain how to snare a man, how to order a cocktail, how to land that corner office before I turned 30. Most of these “guides to life” bored me to pinkbubble- letter distraction—they proffered little more than retrograde flirting tactics and shopworn clichés. I wearied of saying “I could do this so much better” and decided it was time I did.
My first order of business was to contact all the wise, brilliant, hilarious women I knew in their late 20s, 30s and 40s and ask them: “What do you know now that you wish youd known right after college and in your 20s that would have made your life a lot less difficult, spared you heartache, generally made the transition to life on your own a heck of a lot easier? What do you still not know that you wish someone would tell you?”
The results of my poll were staggering. All the responses were enthusiastic, passionate, soul-searching. Certain subjects came up repeatedly—it seems not one of the women had been given solid advice about how to avoid debt or how to unleash herself from the yoke of her college major. The women described still not knowing how to apologize with grace, what to spend on wedding presents, how to explain their job and dating choices to their parents or how to find a good gynecologist. All the women expressed a desire for a “cheat sheet,” a volume of intelligence that would have helped them avoid a lot of the mishaps they encountered in their 20s. The urgent need for meaningful, compelling advice for young women was cast in bold relief. I had my work cut out for me.
In this book, youll find all the wisdom that I gleaned from that first, innocent query—plus all the additional, juicy, hilarious, scary, real stuff I discovered once I set out to put together a colossal cheat sheet to a womans 20s and 30s.When I couldnt figure out the answers for myself, I sought the know-how of experts in different fields; youll find counsel from experts— physicians, psychotherapists, a nutritionist, sex advice mavens, a practitioner of Chinese Medicine, a real estate agent, an image consultant and lots of womens moms—all of whom pop up in different chapters throughout the book. For example, every time you see a box entitled “A Quick Trip to the Couch,”well hear one of our resident psychotherapists take on the subject at hand.
I also checked in again with my cohort of wise women. For every chapter, I carried on extensive e-mail surveys, wrangled small focus groups and conducted oneon- one interviews with about sixty women, from 22 on up.What emerges is a collaborative effort, some hard-and-fast factual stuff, some opinions and philosophizing, lots of different voices, discussions and options. Any time I had more to say on a particular topic but had to move on, there are suggestions of books and Web sites to check out for deeper investigation. Youll also find an extensive resource list at the back of the book.
Some of what you find in here you may already know. You might disagree with a few things here and there. Thats all very fine by me— if anyone were to swallow every piece of advice in this book wholesale, Id doubt their sanity. Id also beg them to stop because if theres one thing Ive learned in all my experience (its pretty vast: Im 31 now. But I only look 30.) its that all the advice in the world isnt going to do you a whit of good if you dont, ultimately, make up your own mind, if you dont think for yourself. Thats it, my best piece of advice. Wait, could I have just written three measly words and youd be good to go? Okay, fine, theres a little more to it than that—about 500 pages worth. But take whats here with a grain of salt— take it with a giant, deer-sized salt lick—process it, then decide for yourself how youre going to live your life.
This is the book I wish someone had given me when I finished college. Or when I got my first job. Or when I turned 30. Im glad that someone had the good sense to give it to you (or you brilliantly plucked it off the shelf of your local bookstore). Your 20s are so frequently treated as the waiting room to the rest of your life. But why should you wither away in anticipation of real life beginning? To hell with putting Baby in a corner—youve got a lot of living to do! Good luck. Im here if you need me.
—MELISSA KIRSCH