Surrendering Who You Are NotWhat the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the butterfly calls the beginning.
—ZEN SAYING
Master artists know that surrender is the key to creating anything of enduring value. When Italian artist Michelangelo was asked how he sculpted David, he replied he carved away everything that wasn't David. His vision was so clear and unobstructed that he could view this magnificent figure in a block of raw marble and release the excess stone, allowing the form to emerge. Spanish painter Pablo Picasso voiced a similar observation when he said, "Every act of creation begins with an act of destruction." You too can release what no longer serves you and then rise to your magnificence.
People setting forth to meet their soul are astonished by the amount of excess inner "baggage" they have accumulated over the years. There are limiting thoughts that drive the mind crazy with self-doubt, crippling emotions that send us on daily roller-coaster spins, and countless disempowering behaviors that sabotage our best efforts toward harmony and well-being. All are components of the personality, adopted early in life either to win love and affection from primary caregivers or to furnish armor against physical or emotional pain. Now, however, these debilitating personality traits are mere camouflage concealing our true spirit, the enduring source of love and protection, so it is best to relinquish them.
"How will I know when I'm ready to give them up?" you might wonder. Thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that restrict the view of your authentic self at your core not only hinder you from experiencing your vast potential but also make you sick and tired--anxiety ridden and sapped of energy. You will know it's time to shed them when you are exhausted from living a sham. At that point you will recognize that engaging in the same thoughts, emotions, and behaviors can only produce the same results as before. Just as Zen practitioners relinquish years of learning in an effort to return to "beginner's mind," you too can part with your camouflage.
"How do I do that?" you might ask. The answer is simple but the way is rarely easy. You can divest yourself of debilitating personality traits first by refusing to give them energy and, second, by replacing them with traits of greater value, filling yourself with qualities from the inside.
In surrendering who you are not, you will be shedding your counterfeit self for a direct experience of your essential essence. As bogus elements fall away, you may feel a twinge of regret at losing them, or embarrassment at having had them. This is only natural. But rather than dwell on your losses, keep moving forward, just as you would if shedding unwanted pounds. Acknowledge that these parts once served you, bless them, and take your next step toward freedom.
Along the way, exercise patience. In nature, where the old is cleared to make way for the new, enduring changes can take more time than fleeting ones. In myths, where birth often begins with death, timetables vary. So prepare for the long haul, hope for a shorter one, and honor your own timing, aware that your reality is being transformed. One day you will regard yourself no longer as a physical organism of this world but as a spiritual essence in this world.
LETTING GO OF LIMITING THOUGHTS
Limiting thoughts are toxic. They contaminate us with unwarranted doubts about our potential. These thoughts have us convinced that we are bad, worthless, incapable of loving and being loved. At night they plague us with visions of abandonment and loneliness; by day they assure us that others' motives cannot be trusted.
Rarely do we consider where these thoughts came from. When we do, we discover they were simply opinions or guesses--conclusions drawn from a partial sampling of information. For example, if you see a cat limping along the road, you might conclude it was hit by a passing car, whereas in fact the cat may have stepped on a thorn. Similarly, if your beau flinches when you mention your salary, you might conclude that making more money than he does will cause him to withdraw his affection. An erroneous deduction of this magnitude could have you believing an unfortunate lie and living as if it were the truth.
Most erroneous conclusions are rooted in either false beliefs or punitive judgments. In both instances, prior conditioning has led us to give credence to a distortion of the truth. When your mind is gathering information from unreliable sources, you can easily misinterpret a situation, condemn yourself for having had such a thought, especially if it's negative, and misconstrue the belief or judgment as fact. Your resulting confusion and mistrust can then infect your understanding of other situations, continuing the vicious cycle.
False Beliefs
Most limiting thoughts emerge from false beliefs like rolled dough cropped by cookie cutters. First, these beliefs mold our perceptions, causing us to see the world as we presume it must be, not as it is. Then we begin interpreting events through these molds. As a result, we become conditioned to a narrow repertoire of perceptions that fail to allow for deviating information, no matter how honest or advantageous it may be.
While growing up on a Louisiana farm, I learned a valuable lesson from my family's pet elephant, Lady Lemah (the family name spelled backward), a lesson I later discovered is also the story of an ancient folktale. Lady Lemah taught me to question my beliefs and become willing to see events from a new perspective. As a baby, any time she was alone in our front yard my father would wrap a heavy chain around one of her back legs and tie it to a large stake anchored deep in the ground. She would rock back and forth, pulling hard to break free. Eventually realizing that she couldn't, she gave up the struggle. Somewhere in her gray matter she must have formed the belief that she was too weak to escape. Then, even as Lady Lemah grew bigger and strong enough to easily snap that chain, she refused to budge, apparently resigned to her presumed fate. It was astonishing to see a huge animal fall victim to a relatively small chain because of an outdated belief about her capabilities. Had Lady Lemah been able to reexamine her beliefs, she would have found the information she was working with had become completely inaccurate. As it was, she continued viewing her present through the cookie-cutter lens of her past.
You, on the other hand, can see yourself differently today than in the past. Endowed with the endless capacity to evaluate your beliefs, you can release those that undermine your best efforts and replace them with beliefs that better express your true nature.
To begin, any time you feel governed by a false belief, own up to it. In acknowledging it, you take authority over it. Here are ten common culprits that may be seriously distorting your picture of reality:
* I am responsible for the feelings of others.
* My past mistakes are unforgivable.
* I am unworthy of pleasure.
* Others' insights are more important than my own.
* I should be perfect at all times.
* I mess up everything I touch.
* People will take advantage of me.
* I must control my family, friends, and coworkers in order to feel safe.
* Nobody understands me.
* I'll never get what I want.
Thoughts and decisions molded by such beliefs are pure fabrications and reflect nothing about who you really are. They can weigh you down with needless burdens, intrude on your natural spontaneity, and keep you plotting and planning for no good reason. So alert yourself to any belief that may be holding you back from adventure and growth.
Start where you are and use the tool of awareness to investigate any personal reactive statements that denote judgments, comparisons, dissatisfaction, unhappiness, fears, or suffering. If you discover any allegations that indicate the composite of a martyr or scapegoat or contain or imply the words should, ought to, or have to, you've probably identified a false belief. Next, you might want to check for restrictive cultural, organizational, family, religious, community, or peer group positions that you habitually follow.
After identifying a predator, try to recall when you first adopted it. What circumstances gave rise to this perception? Are they still present in your life? Does the belief continue to serve your best interests? If you hold on to this belief, will it give you the results you want? To gain greater awareness and leverage, make a list of the negative effects generated by sustaining this belief as well as a list recognizing the benefits of releasing it. Then honestly ask yourself, "Is it in my highest interest to sacrifice it?" If your answer is a resounding, "Yes!" the next questions are "Am I willing to surrender it?" and "When?"
When you are ready to relinquish your false belief, acknowledge that you are demonstrating the power of conscious choice, tell yourself you will no longer invest energy in the limiting belief, or even give it a second thought. Then replace it with a more honest belief to focus on instead. Examples include the following:
* I am responsible for honoring all parts of myself.
* I am learning from each of my experiences.
* I am worthy and deserve the best.
* My insights are valuable and deserve my attention.
* Who I am is enough.
* My life is a gift and a blessing.
* I am in charge of my responses and reactions.
* The power of love is more fulfilling than the love of power.
* I trust the wisdom of my heart.
* It is up to me to use my energy effectively.
Punitive Judgments
Other limiting thoughts come from punitive judgments. By-products of false beliefs, these judgments hold us accountable for our convictions, levying a severe sentence. For example, whenever you believe that you or someone else is wrong (bad, incompetent, immoral), this condemnation takes root inside of you, spawning more negativity and criticism. To save face, you may attempt to disown the condemning part of you. Moreover, all thoughts based on that initial judgment will distance you from your loving nature. Many people steeped in punitive judgments become so confused and disoriented that they can see only an occasional glimmer of their own divine essence.
Surrendering negative judgments about yourself can help to put you back in touch with your divine essence and your joy. The first step is to recognize these punitive decrees. They may sound harsh, like the following:
* I am a loser, because I'm not smart (attractive, talented, worldly) enough.
* I'm an ungrateful creep for not acknowledging my parents' assistance.
* I'm a wimp for feeling hurt just because someone turned me down.
* I'm a bad person for breaking my diet with a chocolate ice cream cone.
* I'm a jerk for demanding that others do things my way.
* It's wrong for me to feel jealous just because my coworker got a promotion.
* I deserve punishment for my past behaviors.
* I'm a moron for trying to please others instead of being true to myself.
* Only a fool would feel this anxious about their future.
* I'm an idiot for tuning out my divinity.
The thoughts and decisions that spring from judging yourself can be brutal. You could end up compromising your integrity, settling for less than satisfying relationships, or even refusing to let others please you. So each time you uncover a judgment inside, release it by applying lavish doses of forgiveness. Do your best to open your heart and pardon yourself for the verdict you have delivered.Copyright© 2004 by Jean-Marie Hamel, Ph.D.