1
Elaines, late.
Stone Barrington and Dino Bacchetti were sitting at their usual table, eating penne with shrimp and vodka sauce, when a young man named Herbert Fisher walked in with a tall young woman.
Stone ignored him. Herbie Fisher was the nephew of Bob Cantor, a retired cop with whom Stone had worked many times. Bob Cantor was Herbies only connection with reality. Herbie Fisher, in Stones experience, was a walking catastrophe.
Herbie seated his girl at a table to the rear, then walked back and took a chair at Stones table. Hi, Stone,” he said. Hi, Dino.”
Dino,” Stone said, you are a police officer, are you not?”
I am,” said Dino, spearing a shrimp.
I wish to make a complaint.”
Go right ahead,” Dino said.
Whats going on, Stone?” Herbie asked.
Stone ignored him. There is an intruder at my table; I wish to have him removed.”
Remove him yourself,” Dino said. Im eating penne with shrimp and vodka sauce.”
You are a duly constituted officer of the law, are you not?” Stone asked.
Once again, I am.”
Then it is your duty to respond to the complaint of an upstanding citizen.”
What kind of citizen?”
Upstanding.”
Im not at all sure that the word describes you, Stone.”
Herbie, whose head was following the conversation as if he were seated in the first row at Wimbledon, said, No kidding, Stone, whats going on?”
Stone continued to ignore him. Dino, am I to understand that you are ignoring a citizens complaint?”
You are to understand that,” Dino said, mopping up some vodka sauce with a slice of bread. Do your own dirty work.”
Stone,” Herbie said, Im rich.”
Thats rich,” Dino replied.
No kidding, Im rich. I won the lottery.”
How much?” Dino asked.
Dont encourage him,” Stone said.
Thirty million dollars,” Herbie replied.
How much you got left after taxes and paying off your bookie and your loan shark?” Dino asked.
Im warning you,” Stone said. Dont encourage him, hes dangerous.”
Approximately fourteen million, two,” Herbie replied. I want to hire you as my lawyer, Stone,” he continued.
Why do you need a lawyer?” Dino asked.
All rich people need lawyers,” Herbie said.
Could you be more specific?” Dino asked.
Dino,” Stone said, stop this, stop it right now. Hes sucking you in.”
Prove youre rich, Herbie,” Dino said.
Ill be right back,” Herbie said. He got up, walked back to where the girl sat, picked up her large handbag, came back to Stones table and sat down. He lifted up the handbag and opened it wide, displaying the contents to Stone and Dino. What do you think that is?” he asked.
Well,” Dino said, gazing into the purse, that would appear to be approximately twenty bundles of one-hundred-dollar bills each, or two million dollars.”
Absolutely correct,” Herbie said.
Do you always walk around with that much money, Herbie?” Dino asked.
Only since I got rich.”
Oh.”
Stone, I want to retain you as my lawyer. Ill pay you a one-million-dollar retainer in cash, right now.”
Stone stopped eating. Dino, have you had any recent training at recognizing counterfeit bills?”
Funny you should mention that,” Dino said. We had a guy in from Treasury the day before yesterday who gave us a slide-show presentation on that very subject.”
Would you examine the bills in the bag, please?”
Dino dipped into the bag and came out with a hundred-dollar bill. He held it up to the light, snapped it a couple of times and laid it on the table. Entirely genuine,” Dino said, then he turned to Herbie. They dont hand out millions in cash at the lottery office, you know. Where did you get it?”
I cashed a check,” Herbie replied.
Stone flagged down a passing waiter. David,” he said, would you please go and find me a good-sized paper bag?”
Sure,” David replied. He went into the kitchen and came back with a plastic shopping bag. No paper bags. Will this do?”
Yes,” Stone said, accepting the bag and handing it to Dino. Will you please put one million dollars of Herbies money into this bag, Dino?”
That okay with you, Herbie?”
Sure, go ahead,” Herbie replied.
Dino held the plastic bag close to the purse and counted out ten of the bundles. He handed the bag to Stone. There you go.”
Just put it on the floor beside me,” Stone said, and Dino did so. Stone looked at Herbie for the first time. All right, youve got my attention; Ill listen for one minute.”
Theyre trying to kill me,” Herbie said.
Who is trying to kill you?”
People who want my money.”
Are these people aware that you walk around with two million dollars of it in a womans handbag?”
Herbie shrugged. Maybe.”
Herbie, youve been flashing this money around, havent you?”
Well, sort of.”
The hooker must know about the money, since its in her handbag.”
What hooker?”
The one you walked in here with.”
Shes not a hooker.”
Herbie, shes with you; she is, ipso facto, a hooker.”
Part-time, maybe,” Herbie admitted.
Who do hookers work for, Herbie?”
Me?”
Besides you?”
Madams? Pimps?”
And who do madams and pimps work for, Herbie?”
Theyre self-employed, arent they?”
They work for or associate with bad people, Herbie. If a hooker knows youve got two million dollars in her handbag, then her madam and her pimp know it too, and if theyve had a moment, theyve already sold that information to someone who wants to take it from you.”
Sheila wouldnt do that,” Herbie said. She loves me.”
At that moment, as if for punctuation at the end of Herbies sentence, a fist-sized hole appeared in the front window of Elaines, and a loud report rent the air. This was quickly followed by two more shots.
Everybody hit the floor.
Stone raised his head an inch. Are you sure Sheila loves you, Herbie?”
2
Dino was up and running at the door, clawing at the gun on his belt. He disappeared into the street.
People began cautiously to pick themselves up, look around and brush themselves off. Elaine sat two tables down, unmoving, looking unperturbed. The door opened, and a tall woman of Stones acquaintance, though not recent, walked in carrying a very feminine attaché case.
Her name was Felicity Devonshire, though she was not called that by anyone who worked with her. She was, in fact, a high official of British intelligence who had formerly been called Carpenter but more recently, after a big promotion, had been dubbed Architect. A man had preceded her into the restaurant, and another followed her. They stationed themselves at the end of the bar, near the door, and watched the room.
Stone got up from the floor, dusted himself off, spotted Felicity and waved her over. They embraced casually. He could feel her ample breasts through her coat and his.
Stone,” she said, what is going on? Dino is out in the street waving a gun around and shouting into a cell phone, and this place is a mess.”
Just a little after-dinner entertainment,” Stone said, taking her coat and holding a chair for her, not missing the sight of her cleavage as she sat down. He took his seat, picked up the plastic bag with the million dollars in it and stuffed it into the hookers handbag. Shoving the bag at Herbie, he said, Go away.”
Herbie began to protest, but Stone held up a hand like a traffic cop and then waved him back to his own table and the clutches of the perfidious Sheila.
Felicity watched him go. Isnt that the awful little twit who gave you so much trouble a couple of years ago?”
Im afraid so.”