Off the Cuff Since the dawn of time, men have had trouble figuring out what to wear. It began, well, it began in the very beginning.
SETTING: Garden of Eden
We hear Eve shouting from stage left.
EVE
Adam, youre wearing that fig leaf . . . again? Are you kidding me? That is so tired!
And so, fashion was born.
And here we are, all these years later, and straight men still have no idea what to wear. Over the last couple of years, Ive spent a lot of time in the closets of straight America. Now Ive been in the closet myself for a while, but it was never that scary, people.
Im serious. Its a mad, mad world out there. There are more athletic jerseys than there are men. Polyester is threatening to take over the world. Men actually think they look good in mock turtlenecks and pleated khakis. So while someone else is looking out for the rain forests, Ive got to look out for wardrobes across the land.
How did we get into this tragic situation? Well, it wasnt always like this. Not that long ago, the world was a much simpler place because fashion was very regimented. There was specific clothing for certain things. Most men had uniforms for work, whether it was an actual uniform or a suit and tie, and sportswear for things like hunting and skiing. Like cavemen teaching their sons to hunt bison and make fire, it was a rite of passage for fathers to take their sons to Brooks Brothers to buy their first blue blazer. Fathers taught sons how to tie ties and pick suits and shoes.
And then somewhere along the linewhen those pesky cellphones and the Internet became popular?we became a very mobile society and all those conformities fell by the wayside. Suddenly you could work from your home in your pajamas and fuzzy slippers and nobody knew. (If they did they probably wouldnt be giving you their money to invest in pork bellies and cultured diamonds.) You could get on a plane in a tank top, ripped shorts, and flip-flops and nobody would look twice at you. Fathers stopped teaching their sons the rules because there were no rules anymore.
So we have a whole generation of guys who have absolutely no idea how to dress. And to make matters worse, at the same time theres been an explosion in the number of clothing choices out there, from outlet malls to the Internet. It would be like if you were trying to learn to make a cheese omelet and the only guidance you were given is, Okay, here are 90 million ingredients. Make something tasty and delicious, but were not going to tell you how. Youd get frustrated and overwhelmed. Youd experiment and make a lot of mistakes. Like when you thought you were totally cool and bought those acid- washed jeans in the eighties, but it was actually the nineties?
Thats where I come in. Im here, Im queer, and I can help you. I was going to rescue abused teacup yorkies, but then I realized there werent any, so straight men it is! I think theyre cute and adorable and lovable, like abandoned puppies at the animal shelter. A straight guy is kind of like a little bird whos fallen out of a tree, until a straight woman or a gay man picks him up and says Look at you! Youre the cutest little thing! You have a broken wing, but well take you to Gucci and youll be just fine.
So think of me as your very own fashion fairy godstylist, here to take you on the magical journey to build a better you, starting with an improved wardrobe. I want to demystify the process, because theres nothing to be afraid of. Absolutely everyone can dress well. And it doesnt have to be scary. Its not like youre doing a home pregnancy test here, people. I want to show you that looking great is easy and funjust like NASCAR and televised bass fishing. Okay, well, maybe not that much fun.
Now, some of you may have seen me wearing some pretty out there things on TV, and youre thinking, Why should I listen to him?? Fear not. This is all about Do as I say, not as I do. I wear clothes that are appropriate for my life as a gay reality makeover TV celebutante. Ive been known to take my shirt off and go dancing at the Roxy till three in the morning on Saturdays. Most straight guys dont, so my personal style is going to be different from yours. I hope. Or youre going to be in for a big surprise next time you go to San Francisco. Im going to recommend things that will help you get in touch with your own personal style and make you look great.
But before I tell you just how fabulous I can make you, you might want to know just how fabulous I am. Just kidding! But you might want to know where I come from and why I can help you: I was born a poor black child in the parking lot of a Kmart in Decatur, Alabama . . . Actually, I was born and raised in Allentown, Pennsylvania. I was practically Amish. Can you believe this much style came from
Allentown? Which just goes to prove my theory that it doesnt matter where you come from; it only matters where youre going. Just because youre from a certain place, or youre black or white or straight or gay doesnt mean you cant become who you want to be. Dont dream it, be it, people! Life isnt about finding yourself, its about creating yourself!
But growing up gay in a blue-collar town like Allentownand heres where I get serious for a momentyou realize that youre different, but you dont really know why or how. I mean, when you grow up poor, odds are your parents and siblings are poor, too, so you can go home and commiserate and fight over some government cheese or whatever. But when you grow up gay, youre like Why do I have a crush on Lee Majors and nobody else in the first grade does? Why is my copy of Dynamite! magazine stuck together? Youre an outsider in many ways, so you turn a little more inward and focus on your self a little more. Because you dont have any friends. Ha, ha, ha! (Good times! Good times!) And that gives you a little perspective.
So I know what its like not to feel good about yourself, and I also know how great it can feel to finally embrace who you really are. Thats what I want to help people dobe confident and enjoy who you are. (Are you a jean or a khaki? Maybe youre a Jackie. But thats another book.)
Anyway, I was definitely not born wrapped in a Prada blanket. My dads in the car business and my mom is the child of dairy farmers in rural Pennsylvania. But the other big influences on my life were my paternal grandparents, who were in the horse business. As we got older, my sister and I got more and more involved in equestrian sports. The horse world is a very, very glamorous one, and one filled with fabulous clothes and rich heritage. By the time I was fifteen, I was traveling all over the United States showing horses at national competitions. I met sophisticated people who lived in big cities. I met movie stars and the heads of major corporations. I met gay people. I was seeing all these amazing clothes that they didnt have at the Chess King at the Lehigh Valley mall. I was like, Wow, theres something else out there.
After I graduated from Gettysburg College in 1991, I took a job with the Equestrian Federation of the United States so I could move to New York. But after a few years there I learned that man cannot live on nonprofit wages alone. One day when I was working out at the gym in some super preppy outfit, carrying a Ralph Lauren plaid basketball from the holiday 94 gift catalogI bought something like ninety gallons of fragrance to get it for freeI was approached by a headhunter who told me I was so Ralph Lauren.
Two days later I had an interview, and in a few weeks I was a gopher for the top executives at Ralph Lauren. (Forever in the back of my brain Ill know that Ralphs brother Jerry Lauren likes his coffee black with two Sweetn Lows at 6:45 in the morning.)
For the next seven years, I worked for Ralph Lauren and got to see every side of the company, from design and manufacturing to merchandising and advertising. I learned about the nuts and bolts of mens clothing: the gauge of a sweater and the thread count of a dress shirt. I visited fashion shows and fabric vendors and design houses. I got really great hands-on teaching from the masters, people like Ralph and Jerry Lauren and John Varvatos. It was such an education, better than I could have gotten in any design school.
Ultimately, I became a stylist in the advertising division. That meant that when Ralph Lauren clothing was advertised in a catalog, I was the fashion police officer styling the clothes, selecting the models, helping with the locations. A stylist is not a designer, and thats what I love about itits all about tweaking. Its mixing up the pieces and putting them on a real person to bring them to life. I got really in tune with how you customize looks for different people and different settings. I started doing freelance styling for celebrities. I worked with department stores, helping them lay out their catalogs and style their clothes, putting it all together so it was fresh and fun and inventive.
I still dont claim to be the worlds foremost expert on fashionshocking, I know. But I have had a unique opportunity to get a real education in clothes. I have an inherent ability to say, That wont look good on you and This will look great on you. You may be a software engineer or a waiter or an insurance salesman. There are tax accountants who know every single law and loophole, God bless them. I know all the tricks of the fashion trade. Thats my job.
One day in 2002, I was doing a catalog shoot in the Florida Keys, when one of the photo producers said shed heard something on the radio about this new TV show that was looking for all these gay professionals with different areas of expertise. The only thing I knew was that it was being done by Bravo. At that point, I thought Bravo was a nonstick cooking spray. I was like, Hmmm. I think I have some Bravo from when I made muffins last . . . Fast forward two years, and now Ive made a new career of helping clueless straight men dress better.
Which brings me to this book. This book is an easy, step-by-step guide to help you know what to wear and when, what to get rid of, and how you can shopwhether its at Neiman Marcus or T.J.Maxxwith the confidence to know what youre looking for. Mens style books tend to be dry and stuffy and serious. I wont go there. You dont need to know who the Glen in Glen plaid is and why hes so fond of this plaid of his. You dont need to know the history of tweed. You just need to know what looks good on you, what makes you feel good, and what helps you get from point A to point B.
I wrote this book for straight men who need it and for the women who love them, but, lest we not forget, also for my gay brethren. Because we all know that bad taste does not discriminate. I dont care if youre gay, straight, or bi, just get some good clothes for Gods sake.
Lets get one thing out of the way, shall we? Theres nothing wrong with caring about how you look and dress. Its not at all superficial. To me, thats like saying its superficial to care about having clean underwear. Or taking care of your teeth. Or going to the doctor. Its just what you should do.
A lot of straight men have been afraid to care too much about how they looked, for fear that theyd be perceived as being gay. But now everyone wants to be a metrosexual. Gay is good! We live at a time when the average straight guy has permission to ask questions that he normally felt uncomfortable asking, like, Does my butt look big in these pants? and Are these pleats okay? (No, by the way) and Should I get a manicure or highlights? Questions that guys never would have uttered, theyre now asking me at the TGI Fridays in LAX airport. In front of their wives, no less! Times have changed. And I am personally writing you a permission slip to your principal or supervisor or whomever to look good and feel good.
You do have to tread that fine line, though. It is superficial to think that if your teeth are whiter and your shirt fits better, youll be happier. Those things might give you that extra little bit of confidence that will inspire you to achieve. A little taste of looking good can be very inspirational. Suddenly you want to be better the next day, and the next, for the rest of your life. Looking good is just the first step in empowering yourself. And further down the line, everything comes together in a package where the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. Its like my career in math in elementary school: 2 + 2 = 5. Oh my God, I feel just like Tony Robbins.
By the way, looking good has nothing to do with how much money you spend or what designer labels you wear. Its not someone coming up to you and saying, Oh my God! Thats a really expensive shirt! or Oh my God! Are those Gucci loafers? Its people coming up to you and saying, You look fantastic. Did you trim your ear hair?
Looking good is also not about being fashionable. When Im told Im so fashionable, it means, Youre so trendy and of the moment. Wrong answer. It shouldnt be about whats hot now and what the newest thing is. Its about feeling confident, and for you, that might mean disregarding whats trendy and in. Classic personal style is building a wardrobe that suits you and your life and sets you apart from the crowd. It doesnt have to be edgy or wild or look like it comes off a runway. And it shouldnt be dictated by what looks good on models, or what a certain designer says, or even, to a degree, what I say, because its so very personal. Im really just a guide, an educator, a medium.
So why should straight men take fashion advice from a gay man? Because gay men are generally just a little more sensitive to aesthetics. We pay attention to details. We have all this free time when were not watching SportsCenter or having sex with women. I think that improves our clarity. Just kidding!
Seriously, though, all those years on the playground when all the other boys were making fun of me, I thought, Oh my God! If only we had something in common! And now here I am, building bridges, one manicure or trip to Barneys at a time. This book is just my way of reaching out and saying, This comes from a place of love. Or maybe its severe adolescent rejection. Were going to get through this just fine if you just hold my hand, and step away from the pleated khakis.
SIDEBAR FOR THIS CHAPTER, PERHAPS CLOSE TO WHERE HE TALKS ABOUT WORKING AT RALPH LAUREN?
The Art of the Tszuj.
When I worked at Ralph Lauren, whenever we were styling looks for runway shows or on models, Ralph and Jerry Lauren would turn to me and say, Carson give that a little tszuj. Tszuj it just means tweak it, finesse it, make it better, make it personal. It might mean paying attention to the details: a little roll of the cuff, a tweak of the collar, or pushing up sleeves. It might be as simple as halfway tucking in a sweater, opening a button or two on your shirt, or tweaking the angle of your ballcap.
The whole reason for tszujing is to take your look over the top. It brings an outfit to life and makes it look like its not on a mannequin. Tszujing is being alive. I tszuj, therefore I am.
(Tszuj not, lest ye be tszujed!) So just tszuj it, people!
If theres room, this could be a box dropped in to the running text somewhere.
Frank Lloyd Wright said, Give me the luxuries of life and I will willingly do without the necessities. Ive always been like that. Hmmm. Phone bill or new cashmere sweater? Well, I can survive without a phone. Health insurance or fur? Well, If I have the fur than I wont get sick and I wont need the health insurance. Problem solved!
We see this as a one page lead-in between the introduction and the start of chapter one proper:
The Ten Fashion Commandments According to Carson Kressley
As we proceed on our magical journey to fabulousness, there are some rules for you to follow. Keep your hands inside the tram car at all times and dont feed the animals. 1. Disregard trends. You shouldnt wear something just because its of the fashion moment. You have to be yourself, find what looks good on you, and embrace it, even if its not in. Be one with the penny loafer. The biggest fashion faux pas is trying to look like somebody else.
2. Never underestimate the power of details. The last thing on is the first thing noticed. Food stains dont count.
3. Keep it simple, sassy! For the average guy, its about building a personal wardrobe that looks great on you. Dont make it complicated. When you have a choice between two items, choose the simpler one.
4. A garment should never be made of more than 25 percent of an unnatural fiber. A little bit of polyester isnt going to kill you. A lot of polyester? Thats a different story.
5. Experiment with style. If you make mistakes, life goes on.
6. Never go shopping alone. Youve got the store trying to sell you items and youre not sure you look right. But if you have a friend along, you can always get an objective opinion from someone who knows you.
7. Dont overdo it. You want to be noticed for a look thats yours, and not because you look clownish and inspire the Barnum and Bailey theme song. Overdoing it is like crying, Oh, look at me!! I bet you never thought youd hear me of all people saying that. (Hi, pot? Its the kettle calling!) I think its far better to be noticed for subtlety then for garishness.
8. Never wear anything sheer. Lets leave the exposed nipples to Janet Jackson, shall we? Thanks for the mammaries, Janet.
9. Spend within reason. I encourage many trips to the mall or to your favorite fashion retailer. However, when shopping becomes an addiction, and you have to move every two weeks to flee creditors, you officially have a problem. There are two important things to hold on to in this world: your dignity and your personal credit rating. You dont want to become American Express bee-atch.
10. Cashmere is seasonless. Wear it in winter. Wear it in summer. Wear it to bed and to garden in for all I care, but cashmere is never, ever the
Chapter One
Shoes
Bad Shoes, You Lose, or A Brief History of the Clog
When it comes to shoes, its pretty simple: Bad shoes, you lose. And were talking more than self-esteem, people! Were talking jobs, girlfriends, respect. What you have on your feet can make or break any look . . . and break your toes. Spend some money and get the best shoes you can afford. And for Guccis sake, make sure that theyre comfortable. Because as much as I love sassy shoes, bunions are a real bee-atch, people. Ending up in the podiatric emergency room can ruin Kwanzaa for everyone.
With shoes, its all about quality, quality, quality. Its better to have two or three pairs of good shoes that will last a long time than to have twenty-five pairs of generic- looking bargain brands. Thats especially true of your dress shoes, but you can slide a little on casual shoes and sneakers.
Why does quality matter? Because your shoes are the first thing that women look at, and women (and gay men) know good footwear. You might be wearing the most amazing suit in the universe, but if youre wearing bad shoes, you might as well be wearing a sticker on your forehead that says LOSER.
High-quality shoes are all about construction, and there are a few basic things to look for. Your shoes should be made of real leather and have leather soles as well. If you buy quality leather shoes, they can be refurbished a number of times and will last forever, which is ultimately going to be less expensive than having to replace crappy, poorly made shoes every few months. For those of you animal lovers out there who wont wear leather, I admire your principles, I just dont admire your shoes. Vegetarian leather is like nonfat ice cream. Why bother?
The soles of well-made shoes will be stitched, not glued, to the bottom of the shoe. Also, the lining in better shoes is made of high-quality calfskin or natural leather, not synthetic materials. Finally, check out the stitching. It should be neat and should be barely noticeable.
Okay, so now that you know what quality shoes look like, I bet you want to know what styles of shoes you should have. The good news is that there really arent too many options. (Yes, occasionally that can be a good thing.) For women, shoes are more of an accessory, like jewelry, that comes in 95 million different shapes, colors, varieties, and textures. But good-looking, stylish, conservative shoes are an absolute necessity for any mans wardrobe, and there are really just a few basic options for you to choose from.
Shoes are an acquired taste. Im just going to walk you through the basics (so all you good little straight bunnies need not get overwhelmed on me), because if I unravel the whole world of shoes, you could become obsessive-compulsively addicted to shoe shopping. And the next thing you know youll be hanging out with gender illusionists and collecting Cher memorabilia.
Im not going to bother getting into specifics about the vast sea of casual shoes out therefrom monk strap shoes and Chukka Boots to the whole slew of slip-ons. All I can say is keep it simple, sassy. You can really get in trouble with fashion shoes for men.
So here is my list of the ten pairs of shoes that I promise you will take to your grave. (Notice I said that you will take them, not that they will send you to your grave. Important distinction, people!)
1. The Black Oxford Lace-up, aka the blucher. This is the classic lace-up dress shoe (