Excerpt
andlt;bandgt;andlt;bandgt;INTRODUCTIONandlt;/bandgt;andlt;/bandgt;andlt;BRandgt;andlt;BRandgt;THE ATROCITIES Iand#8217;VE SEENandlt;BRandgt;andlt;BRandgt;I mean, seriously, sometimes Iand#8217;m surprised I havenand#8217;t already gouged out my own eyes. Truth be told, I did come pretty damn close once. I was in Pittsburgh, at the airport, or maybe it was Cincinnati. Doesnand#8217;t matter, really. There I was, just minding my own business, reading the newspaper and waiting for my flight to board, when a couple of women approached me.andlt;BRandgt;andlt;BRandgt;and#8220;Are you Clinton?and#8221; one of them asked.andlt;BRandgt;andlt;BRandgt;This question always kind of bugs me. You andlt;iandgt;knowandlt;/iandgt; itand#8217;s me. Just say hello and go back to your quadruple mocha latte. and#8220;Yep,and#8221; I replied, and looked up to see two of the most horrific outfits imaginable. Both womenand#8212;andlt;iandgt;bothandlt;/iandgt;and#8212;were wearing horizontal-striped turtlenecks tucked into high-waisted Mom Jeans with white cross-trainers.andlt;BRandgt;andlt;BRandgt;and#8220;We love your show!and#8221; said one.andlt;BRandgt;andlt;BRandgt;and#8220;We watch it all the time!and#8221; declared the other.andlt;BRandgt;andlt;BRandgt;I smiled and said thank you, because Iand#8217;m a gentleman. But inside my little head, I screamed to the heavens with all my might: andlt;iandgt;Why, God! Why do you hate me so much!andlt;/iandgt;andlt;BRandgt;andlt;BRandgt;Maybe I get a tad exasperated from time to time, but certainly you can understand why. Iand#8217;ve spent the good part of a decade explaining, with as much patience as I could muster, why you shouldnand#8217;t pair socks with sandals, why you might want to avoid tube tops after the age of forty, why elastic-waist pants are evil incarnate. But, evidently, not everyone is listening.andlt;BRandgt;andlt;BRandgt;Still, I continue on with my mission to make America a more beautiful place. Iand#8217;m like that Native American dude from the commercial who cries when he sees people litter. Except, Iand#8217;m not crying. Itand#8217;s more like Iand#8217;m laughing at you. In fact, heand#8217;s laughing at you too. Weand#8217;re having gin and tonics right now, and I was just telling him that your outfit was revolting. And you know what he said?andlt;BRandgt;andlt;BRandgt;and#8220;And how.and#8221;andlt;BRandgt;andlt;BRandgt;And how! Couldnand#8217;t you just die? I almost peed my pants a little.andlt;BRandgt;andlt;BRandgt;and#169; 2010 Clinton Kelly