I really want to believe that there is some piece of information, some item I can buy, or some self-help program I can startsomething, anything, I can dothat will make parenting easier and help me feel more competent and capable. I long ago accepted that there is no handbook for life, but somehow I struggle to let go of the dream of an instruction manual for parents. Apparently Im not the only one, because versions of that book have been written time and again, from every angle and perspective, filled with advice ranging from brilliant to useless to just plain wrong. Ive read many of them, and I am, at times, a better and a worse parent for it. Over the years, and through many, many mistakes I have come to remember a fundamental truth that I somehow lose sight of again and again:
The challenge of parenting is in learning to stay connected with my children, grounded in myself, and as present as I can possibly be for all of it.Undoubtedly, I will stray from this. For each time that I remember those words, I will undoubtedly forget them. I will seek answers from those who know me and those who dont, I will convince myself that just the right purse or cell phone or toy or parenting class will solve my problems and set my family on the right path. I will embrace the tempting delusion that I can control who my children will become. And I will doubt who I am in the face of others who seem, at first glance, to be so much more than me. Thanks to my habits of consumption, control, and comparison, I will be frequently confused about motherhood: who I am and who I want to be, both for myself, and for my children. This is the double-edged sword of living in the modern world, in a world of constant connection and endless information. If I choose to benefit from it all (which I do, on a daily basis), then I must also accept that I will suffer from it.
Mindfulnessthe increasingly elusive but ever accessible ability to stay present and accepting of whatever is going onrepresent a path out of that confusion. Mindful parenting doesnt require that I purchase a product, give up my job, become a master chef, discipline my children in ways I might not feel comfortable with, or be anyone other than who I truly, deeply am. The heart of mindful parenting is connectionwith our children, ourselves, and the present moment. Learning to stay in connection challenges me to be with doubt, fear, shame, frustration, sadness and anger without wanting to fix it, change it, control it, or wish it away.
This is incredibly simple and incredibly hard to do. I am constantly distracted not only by everything in the world outside of me, but also by the endless chatter and dialogue in me own brain. In addition, its hard to know exactly what it means to stay connected, grounded, and present. Those are lovely words to say, concepts that seem to make sense, but what do they actually mean? Its one thing to read yet another parenting book and agree with the latest piece of expert” advice; its quite another to know how to respond when my child is flat out on the floor screaming and all I want to do is run away. Its quite another to know what to do when my child is in pain, be it physical, emotional, or existential, and I am drowning in helplessness because the only thing I want to domake her feel betteris the one thing I just cant do. Its quite another to find a way to know how to move forward on those days when I look in the mirror and see a stomach that I still havent found a way to accept, dark circles under my eyes, and lines around my mouth that I swear werent there yesterday.
The reality is that there are many, many skillful ways to respond to these difficult situationsthoughts I can embrace or let go of, words I can speak, silences I can tolerate, embraces I can offereach of which may lead to a deeper connection with my child and acceptance of myself. There are also choices I can and do make that, despite my best intentions, seem to widen the gulf between my children and me, intensify our suffering, and leaving me doubting myself and my parenting ability. As we will see in the chapters to come, the ability to stay connected, grounded, and present makes all the difference.
I am still learning how to do all of this, and if I am lucky, I will be learning how to do all of this for as long as I am a parent, for as long as I am alive. Some days I get it wrong, some days I get it right, but the difference is that now I have a compass, a northern star I can always orient towards, one that helps me loosen my obsessive grasp on finding the right answer, solving every problem, and worrying about that which I cant control. Mindful parenting brings me back to the little people who are in front of me in this moment and back to the person I am in this moment. The trick, of course, is learning to stay there.