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From Part III, Relationships (Finding Her And Keeping Her) Okay. You're ready to begin your new, exciting life as a lesbian. There's just one thing you're missinga babe. Here's a list of some of the most likely spots to find that special someone.
COMMUNITY CENTERS: Community centers are ideal for you, novice lesbian, because your "gaydar" is probably not well-honed yet. You need to be in a setting where you can be 99 percent certain that the woman you are about to proposition is a lesbian. Otherwise, that cute woman in the subway with the short haircut might slap you in the face when you ask her out. At the center, you run the risk of hitting on some cute little fags at first, but they are usually nice about it.
LIBRARIES: Libraries are a lesbian's happy hunting ground. Stake out a desk near the women's lit section or the gay/lesbian section and you will be like a bear in a beehive. A request for access to the Rare Book Room will also get you access to the foxy head librarian.
BARS: It used to be that 95 percent of all lesbians met in bars. With the increased popularity of twelve-step groups, that number has decreased significantly (except in some rural areas). Look for bars with names like Shadows, Backstreets, and The Purple Iris (see "Closety Bar Names" in Part VIII). Drink little and tip big and you can get the bartender to help you sort out the "maybes" from the "you bets."
MUSIC FESTIVALS: Music festivals are a great initiation for the brand-new lesbian. The most compelling feature of these events, besides the fact they are generally women only, is that there is a great deal of nakedness, giving you ample time to lean up against a tree and speculate on how much fun the rest of your life is going to be. A downside is that after three of four days of living on beans and tofu, your tent is uninhabitable.
SPORTS LEAGUES: Sports are a great way to look for personality traits in people. You're attracted to that cute center on your basketball team and you're thinking about asking her on a datebut wait. Watch how she reacts in the fourth quarter with three seconds on the clock and it's all down to her. If she turns into a monster, take a second look at that forward or that guard. A well-adjusted personality can be very attractive.
GROUP THERAPY: Under no circumstances should you date another woman in your therapy group. Look elsewhere, lesbian!
TWELVE-STEP GROUPS: Twelve-step groups are not like group therapy. You can date someone in your twelve-step program providedand this is importantthat you are within three of four steps of each other. In other words, advanced twelve-steppers and novices do not mix. You will get into that caretaker/helpless child routine, driving you deeper into the destructive behavior you were doing so well at overcoming in the first place.
EXERCISE YARD: You're new to prison and everybody's probably paired up already. Don't fear. User your time in the exercise yard to impress the local gals with your physical prowess. Soon some little honey will abandon her tired old girlfriend for your fresh blood. Just be prepared to fight for love and don't let anyone know you're doing time for stealing a stapler from the office supply closet.
MESS TENT:You might not have known you were a lesbian when you joined the army. You just thought you liked to wear a uniform and work with your hands. But now that you're here, it's all starting to make sense. Now your only problem is how to tell the butches from the femmes when everyone is dressed the same.
Copyright © 1997 by The Five Lesbian Brothers