What will books look like in the future? Will people still read? Will people even
exist?
We’re absolutely thrilled to report that we now have conclusive evidence that humans will endure! So, too, will books!
Earlier this week a Powell’s used book buyer, who has requested anonymity due to the sensitive nature of this information, received a box of books from a mysterious patron wearing an iridescent jumpsuit. “She had these amazing cheekbones and smelled like caramel!” remarked our used book buyer. “And I think she was in a hurry. She kept checking her holo-watch.”
It became obvious rather quickly that this strange customer was a time-traveler and that she wished to sell us some books from the future.
“The books were all published hundreds of years from now!” our employee proclaimed. “And the paper felt elastic. Each page had a new scent — vanilla-caramel, chocolate-caramel, bacon-caramel, broccoli-caramel. People in the future really seem to like caramel.”
Pricing the books was a challenge, but luckily the time-traveler wasn’t interested in haggling. “Obviously none of the books were in our system,” our employee noted. “But it was clear they were special. I offered her a fair price, and she bowed stoically in acceptance.”
When asked whether she wanted cash or store credit, the visitor used a form of telepathic communication to reply. “I wasn’t sure if I imagined it at first,” said our employee. “But the word ‘CΓξСτ’ echoed through my head, pronounced with the most peculiar accent. While my inner dialogue does take on an accent sometimes, it’s usually a jaunty Irish brogue. This was different.”
After receiving a voucher for the books, we’re sad to report that the time-traveler headed for the door. On her way out, she did stop to browse some featured titles (
Imagine Me Gone,
In Search of Lost Time,
Esther the Wonder Pig) but opted not to use her store credit. Curiously, our accounting records show the voucher was redeemed in May of 1998!
We’d now like to share this amazing book acquisition with
you, our devoted customers. We hope you enjoy this special viewing as much as our staff did (see comments below). Behold: the future in 18 books!
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Training Your Bird-Dog: A Comprehensive Guide for Owners
by Cyrus Dickinson
Training Your Bird-Dog: A Comprehensive Guide for Owners is a fascinating book, even for people who don't yet live in the age of Clonetastic Pet Enterprises™. An extensive appendix lists the amazing new breeds, like the cross between a schnauzer and a turtle dove (commonly known as the schnurtle dove), or the cross between a poodle and a chicken (the chickenoodle). There are so many fabulous new pets to get, from the beautiful blue peacocker spaniel and American bald beagle, to the stately spotted dalmelican and the rare triple crossbreed between a turkey, a chicken, and a Nova Scotia duck tolling retriever, affectionately known as the turducken. This book instructs on every level of pet training, from obedience training (keep your Maltese falcon from sniffing other bird-dogs' tail feathers!) to tricks (teach your chihuahuakatiel to speak and train your shih tzoucan to use its enormous bill to fetch five balls at a time!). Of course, I don't live in a world of cloned pets, but I figured I'd try out some of these techniques on my pug Pancake. The instructions in the book were really clear, but I don't think I did it right. Whenever I throw the ball, all she does is try to hatch it.
– Dolly S.
Beep-Boop Beeply-Beep: An Anthology of Robot Poetry
edited by H9D4
The future of poetry shines in this breathtaking collection of robot poetry edited by H9D4, the poet laureate of 2155. I found U3F5's "Bleeeeeet Blaaaaat!" particularly arresting in its subtle inference to the humanity in us all (except robots). The lovely rhythm and restraint of "Bip-Bip-Bip-Bip-Bip-Bip-Bip-Bip-Bip-Bip-ZWOOOOP!" brought tears to my eyes. On the back cover, it said you could hook the book up directly to your family robot to hear the audio version performed live. I tried plugging it into my toaster, but all that did was start a small fire.
– Aramis D.
Two Is the Loneliest Number: When Your Only Friend Is Your Clone
by Miles Vorkosigan
Two Is the Loneliest Number is written as a self-help book, but honestly, I can't think of anything better than befriending the most charismatic, cultivated person in the world (me). Brangelina is a remnant of the past — the new "it" duo could be Maximaximus! I can only imagine the kooky schemes we'd hatch up! And the breathtaking works of art we'd create! While I mostly just thumbed through this book (because few books are actually worth reading cover to cover), chapters like "How to Be Spontaneous With the Person Who Can Anticipate Your Every Move," "Don't Try to Change Your Clone," and "Be the Better Version of Yourself" made me realize that even clone relationships might be hard work! Ultimately, it reaffirmed what I've always believed: better to look out for number one. That's why I don't have any friends myself.
– Maximus
1 + 1 = 01101100 01101111 01110110 01100101: A Guide to Finding Love by Uploading Your Animus to the Internet
by Gary Wallace
I keep this book by the side of my bed and read passages from it on the occasional lonely night. OK, every night. My favorite chapters are "Who Needs a Hot Bod When You're Cruising for Cyber Love" and "Hyperlink Your Heart: How to Never Be Lonely Again." There are also chapters on e-aphrodisiacs, steamy file-sharing, and how to flirt in 101 computer languages, including old-school binary code. Another very insightful chapter is "How to Dine, Dance, and Beyond Without a Corporeal Form." I'm 50 now, but my hope is that sometime in the next 50 years, scientists will figure out how to prolong life indefinitely, so that eventually, with the help of this practical, informative guide, I can finally get a date.
– Darrell R.
The Joy of Powdersoups: 30 Delicious Recipes for Waterless Cooking in Areas of High Contamination
For the reader of today, Powdersoups is an arresting glimpse into the bleak, bleak world of tomorrow — with awesome recipes! Try the French onion, made from onion powder and nutritional yeast for that extra hint of cheesy goodness. Make a wonderful, zippy Mulligatawny stew using nothing but turmeric, curry powder, and lots of black pepper. Just take care not to sneeze! This book has it all, from a rich consommé made entirely of thyme to a lovely earthy minestrone composed of oregano, dried red pepper flakes, and potting soil. My favorite is the albondigas soup. Absolutely mouth-watering. The recipe calls for some ingredient called soylent green, but I'm not sure what that is, so I substituted cilantro.
– Liliana Z.
Climate Adventures!: Your Guide to the Earth's Newest Travel Hot Spots
by Robot Rick Steves
Robot Rick Steves is as fun and insightful as regular flesh-and-blood Rick Steves. And, wow, all the amazing future hot spots he explores! The Portland Desert. The charmingly desolate Paris Wasteland. The scenic 3-million-square-mile molten pit that used to be the Sahara. I’m not so excited for the whole extinction of 3,000 species thing, but all of sunken Florida turned into an underwater theme park? I’m there!
– Gigi L.
We Need to Talk About KV-7: Spotting Sociopathic Tendencies in Your Robot
by Institute for Robotics and Intelligent Machines
You guys! I think my Roomba might be a sociopath. I guess I should have known after it repeatedly tried to vacuum up my cat. It's supposed to change directions when it hits something large, but it was like the machine had it out for Socks! And I'm beginning to suspect that fire it started in my bedroom was no accident either — let's just say it would take a lot of force for an eight-pound machine to knock over a burning candle on a dresser. While the robots in We Need to Talk About KV-7 are much more sophisticated than my humble vacuum, I still found the book really helpful in identifying unhealthy autonomous behavior — and learning how to cope with it. In time, I think I could even learn to love my Roomba again, defects and all. It does keep my floors spotless.
– Briley O.
2018: The Year They Arrived
by David McCullough XVI
2018: The Year They Arrived is a heart-warming tale of the generous, brilliant, super-attractive interdimensional space beings who are going to intentionally land their mind-blowingly advanced spacecraft on Earth next summer. I was hooked from chapter one, when they telepathically enlist the help of nearby schoolchildren to put out the fire caused by their spaceship's masterful, controlled landing. What amazing team work! I don't want to give too much away, but the scene where our benevolent heroes install themselves in the White House still brings me to tears every time I think about it. I just want them to know, when they get here, that they already have a big fan in me.
– William T. J. III
You Stole My Thoughts!: Cybersecurity in the Age of Supercomputer Brain Uploads
The cover to this book reminded me of Max Headroom and since I'm a longtime fan, I couldn't help but pick this one up after it caught my eye. I quickly discovered, however, that it's quite nearly unreadable – simply because the terminology was so obscure. Strangely, a google search didn't even return any results when I attempted to look up their definitions. It turns out this book is from the future! Despite myself, I did end up reading the whole thing, but all I could really glean from it is that the coming century looks a lot like those iconic 1990s films: The Lawnmower Man, Strange Days, Freejack, and Brainscan. Spam, malware, and Internet trolls are nothing compared to the perils we'll see in our future of brain uploads, cerebral synching, and temporal lobe tethering.
– Belinda
Goodbye, Earth
by Wise Margaret Brown and Clemen Thurd
Margaret Wise Brown's beautiful picture book Goodnight Moon is a classic for the ages, a lovely, sweet, nurturing gift for any child. I was so excited to learn that the odd time-traveling book lady had sold Powell's so many copies of this wonderful book that I immediately snapped some up! I sent a copy to my niece Abby in California for her birthday, and one to the twins in Omaha just because! And yesterday I gave one to the little neighbor girl I sometimes see shyly peeking through the curtains at me when I'm gardening. She's quite a timid child and her mother tells me she often has night terrors. I thought, what would be better to help soothe little Cindy to sleep than her very own copy of Goodnight Moon! I'm sure she slept well last night. Hopefully she wasn't awakened by that strange prolonged keening I kept hearing all night. Wonder what that was. Probably the wind.
– Maudie J.
The Joy of Sex: The Guide to Modern Lovemaking
by Lenaçe Shunt
I'm kind of embarrassed to say it, but this book really turned me on. I didn't quite understand the section on various machines, but with the many full-color illustrations throughout and all the detailed descriptions, I have to admit, I was intrigued. My favorite part was the hazmat suits. I'm thinking of going out to an army surplus store and seeing what I might find for myself and the woman I'm seeing. She's a wonderful lady and I think she's getting a little impatient with me. Bottom line: this book is a fantastic find for both the sex enthusiast and the guy who really doesn't like to touch people.
– Harry R.
Where's Original Genetic Source Waldo
by Martian Hanford
I didn't mean to buy this book, but once I saw it I couldn't look away. All of the versions of Waldo look exactly the same, but the title indicates that there can only be one true Waldo. Are the rest copies of his pure genetic code, or are they just corrupted variations? If one Waldo is the true Waldo, then it follows that the others are imposters. I wonder if they know who among them has the original genetic code. I wonder if they have the same thoughts, or if they were raised in such different environments that they grew up to be different people. On the other hand, their penchant for red-and-white stripes indicates that they share more than surface similarities. I have been scouring these pages for over 20 hours trying to find any minute difference to indicate which Waldo is the original Waldo. My girlfriend just keeps telling me to go to sleep and I'll feel better in the morning, but I see red and white when I close my eyes. Please buy this book and help me find Waldo. Please.
– Mavis M.
The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up Your Bunker
The New York Endtimes Bestseller The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up Your Bunker is as relevant today as it apparently will be in the future. Well, some of the sections are a little less relevant, like "Organizing Your Hoard of Uncontaminated Foods to More Easily Hide Them From Gangs of Desperate Marauders," and "Fallout Fun Fest: How Tidying Up Enhances Neighborhood Indoor Barbecues and Zombie Mahjong Night." But her suggestions about the best way to fold your nuclear anticontamination suits can easily be applied to modern-day closet organizing. And her warnings about keeping personal belongings away from blast doors and Kearny air pumps have plenty of modern applications. Just replace the word "fallout" with "spring pollen" and "gamma rays" with "pesky flies," and you'll see just how relevant this book really can be. And who knows. With the way things are right now, I wouldn't be surprised if this book becomes much more relevant very soon. I don't have an actual bunker, but my house has a super cool finished basement with a nautical-themed bar and everything! I'm thinking of converting it into a shelter. The author of this book warns against cluttering your bunker up with too much furniture, but I figure the bean bags can stay. I mean, what could be safer to sit on during a nuclear explosion, am I right? I'm going to need to stock up on more beer.
– Ron F.
Time Traveller's Handbook of 1001 Tense Formations
by Dr. Dan Streetmentioner
Do you refuse to split an infinitive? Does every instance of the phrase "lol" fill you with unfathomable horror? Do you have nightmares about emojis, and fear the imminent death of the English language? Then I have great news for you! Thanks to Dr. Streetmentioner's timeless classic Time Traveller's Handbook of 1001 Tense Formations, you can rest assured that not only will English never die, it will become infinitely more complicated! (Or, to put it in the negative future modal present tense: English mustan never on-die, it mustan on-become infinitely more complicated!) I'm so thrilled that I can learn about all of the tense formations time-travelers have to look forward to, without sharing the risk that I'll accidentally become my own mother. What a time to be alive!
– Martha J.
The Strange Case of Doctor Zhivago and Mr. Hyde
by Boris Louis Stevenson
In 2024, when all of the original human ideas ran out, artificial intelligence saw a market in creating entertainment for its biological counterpart and began generating new mash-ups of old TV shows, films, music, and books. The Strange Case of Doctor Zhivago and Mr. Hyde transcends both source texts with a precision only a computer could execute, Zhivago and Mr. Hyde is equal parts heartbreaking love story and meditation on the complexities of human morals and animalistic desires. I'm really hoping I can get my hands on some other titles in this series, especially The Handmaidens of Oz and One Flew Over the Mockingbird's Nest. I want to replace my whole library with computer-generated classics!
– Jasper H.
Mommy, Where Are They Taking R.E.X.?: A Parent's Guide to Helping Your Child Through the Decommissioning of a Robo-Canine Personal Companion
by Frederick Marius
This book caught my eye because I've had a little trouble talking to my own children about the death of a pet. In fact, our bunny Churro has gone through three iterations after one escaped under the fence and the second one... well, let's just say my husband has a penchant for braised rabbit. I had to tell my kids that bunnies change color as they age, but I'm not sure they bought it. Anyway, the thing about this book is that it's about robo-canines. Man, android pets seem amazing! They're house-trained from day one! They help discipline your children! They even know how to play musical instruments! But it also sounds like they get too smart for their own good (you've seen Westworld, right?). This book will help parents guide their children through two of life's most important lessons: decommissioning awaits us all, and no matter our place in life, we all end up in the same junkyard.
– Bertie P.
Sea Kayaking North Dakota
by Chi Ledford
I bought this book and photocopied it for everyone in my family because I thought it was science fiction and we could have a book club about it. My whole family was born and raised in North Dakota, you see. Well, the more we read, the more we thought: maybe this is real. We decided to pool our savings and buy up a bunch of property near Minot, because according to this book, that will be the new edge of the Pacific Ocean. We're going to build a resort! It goes without saying we'll have sea kayaks for rent.
– Wyatt
Blue Book: Used Organs Guide
by Kelley Blue Book
With its iconic cover, I didn't discover this was a price guide for used organs until after I began perusing its pages. While looking up trade-in value for my 2000 Explorer, I realized this book was actually something entirely different when I saw just how much a used esophagus was going for (poorly irradiated powdersoup destroys the gullet!). Though I'm not in the market for any replacement organs (nor knew that such a thing even existed), I ended up reading this book cover-to-cover, as it was remarkably intriguing! I learned that a used synthetic hand is apparently more expensive than a carbon-based one (as apparently the 2251 outbreak of feral bird-dogs led to many a dismemberment). It seems like we're in for a dark, dystopian future, but it's good to know the ever-reliable folks at Kelley Blue Book have our back (literally, since disgruntled clones will seemingly cause many a spinal injury come mid-22nd century)!
– Elaine C.