Chapter 1 Your Manners with Those Close to You
It's only common sense. The people you are closest to warrant an extra measure of consideration. After all, they are part of your daily life, and you want your interactions with them to be as pleasant and smooth as possible. There's nothing that sours things quite so much as friction between family members or others sharing the same living space. It takes good manners to keep close relationships comfortable and warm, to sustain the love and mutual respect that make a house a home.
IN THE RELATIONSHIPS THAT GROW OUT OF MARRIAGE
Consideration and good manners cement many different family relationships, but it's the relationships that evolve out of marriage that particularly benefit by their presence -- or suffer through their absence.
With Your Mate
In the good fight against taking someone for granted, a prime cause for unhappiness between couples, these are points to consider:
x A spouse needs building up, not putting down or being mocked in front of others.
x Help him or her through every major disappointment. Hopefully, he or she will do the same for you.
x It is important to be particularly nice to family members your spouse holds dear, such as his or her parents.
x Be nice to your spouse's friends, even the ones you don't like. (Maybe your spouse doesn't like some of your friends.)
x Be punctual for appointments he or she considers important.
x Compromise not only on big matters (the house to be purchased), but also on small ones (tonight's movie selection on television).
x When your mate faces a big problem, drop what you're doing and be there. There are times when you may have to put your spouse ahead of your children.
x Compliment your spouse often -- and creatively, so that you don't sound metronome-predictable.
x Be imaginative and thoughtful with every gift for your spouse.
x Keep in constant touch when you are apart (with regular telephone calls, for example).
x If your mate is not feeling well or has a crash project to take care of, offer to do his or her chores as well as your own.
x Consult each other as equal partners on everything major concerning the children.
With Your Mother- and Father-in-Law
When you marry, your mate's parents become part of your inner family and should be treated as such. Treat them with love and respect from the outset, and you'll not only win their reciprocated love and respect -- you'll strengthen the bonds of your relationship with your spouse.
x Make them feel their visits to your home are welcome, not an imposition.
x Arrange to have your children see them as often as possible.
x Don't take their baby-sitting help for granted; remember how pressured they may be by their own problems, so don't abuse their kindness.
x Never criticize them within earshot of your children; always refer to them with affection and respect.
x If they live in another town, telephone them regularly, and always on their birthdays and anniversary.
x If one of them becomes widowed, give much more of yourself than before to the remaining one.
x If one of them grossly oversteps the bounds of acceptable behavior, either in advising or criticizing you or your children, explain what he or she has done wrong with tact and kindness. Keep your voice calm and show you are in control of your emotions. (And no matter how poor your relationship may be at any given moment, never cut them off from their grandchildren.) Cool down; the situation will be better in a short while.
x Have your children write thank-you notes to their grandparents within a week of receiving any gifts from them.
x Welcome it when they give their grandchildren some lessons in table manners when they take them out for a meal (because your children probably can use them).
x Welcome their moments of reminiscing, but make them feel a part of your generation, too. (That means comments like this are never heard in your house: "You wouldn't understand, because you're of the older generation.")
x Never make fun of their forgetfulness or other signs of old age, and never allow your children to tease them either. Remember, some day you will be there, too.
With Your Son and Daughter-in-Law or Daughter and Son-in-Law
When you are the parents-in-law, be the best there are. The most important basis of a happy relationship with your children and their spouses is to accept that they must lead their own lives and raise their own children their way, not yours.
x Learn to sit on any criticism you might have of how they live or how they are raising your grandchildren -- because, realistically, they will not be interested in your views.
x When your advice is sought, give it freely and lovingly, but don't expect to receive such a request very often.
x If you can't say something nice about their house and its decor, don't say anything at all.
x Don't push too aggressively for invitations; appreciate the fact that they may be very busy -- too busy to entertain you.
x Ask them out to dinner more often than you make them ask you to their house. Be very sensitive to their voices when you suggest coming over -- it may be the wrong time, in which case, back off.
x If you sense marital discord in the house, don't question anyone about it. Wait until one of them speaks to you -- and never ever question their children about it.
x Remember your son- or daughter-in-law's birthday with the same enthusiasm you remember your child's.
x Offer to help with free baby-sitting chores, and don't act as though this puts them in your debt.
x If you're feeling neglected, call them, but just to check in, never to complain. A surefire way to cheer yourself up is to talk to your grandchildren on the telephone.
x Always pick up after yourself in their house; offer to help clean up after them, too. If they say no, don't argue!
x Help them out when they're going through a tough time financially. This may result in giving them a loan at no interest, in forgiving a debt, or in devising some creative way out of their problem. (As a daughter who had her hand in her father's pocket his entire life, this person can say with conviction that it takes a wonderful parent to remain generous for so many years!)
x Apologize when you've irked your son- or daughter-in-law, even if you feel innocent. Always take the first step to ask forgiveness, and keep those lines of communication open. In-laws become greatly upset with each other for the most insignificant of reasons. Deal with any negative at once, so that a small sore does not become a festering wound.
WITH ROOMMATES
If you share an apartment or house as an adult with a roommate of the same sex (and we are not talking here about a homosexual arrangement), getting on each other's nerves is almost inevitable. There are times when another person's habits or lack of courtesy grate on you, but if both roommates are well intentioned and prepared to share equal responsibilities, the relationship can be very successful, happy, and healthy.
x Be up front with each other. Don't allow some unspoken resentment to magnify in its importance. Don't sulk. Roommates who communicate well and speak frankly to each other have a successful household. Unaired problems are never solved -- they just expand.
x Share the work involving the household equally. Discuss the division of responsibilities if one of you feels they are not fairly balanced. And if you have a chore, do it when you are supposed to. Sloppiness and procrastination on the part of one person can make the best relationship grow sour.
x One roommate should help out the other when he or she has a guest -- either by getting out of the apartment, or by doing some extra chores or bot