I just got home from a bad date. And while it's always reassuring to consult books like The Big Book of Bad Dates, by Jo Renfro, or my personal favorite Love Is Hell by Matt Groening, I also love a more literary bad date. For example, there's the bad date in Franny and Zooey or Augusten Burroughs's romance with a crack addict in Dry. I enjoy reading about other people's bad dates because they make my experiences seem more bearable.
Unlike the authors I mentioned above, my dating failures all stem from the same predicament: I'm trying to stay a practicing Mormon in New York City and have a love life. Because there aren't very many Mormon men to choose from in the city, I've dated primarily non-Mormons. Only because I don't have sex before marriage, the longest relationship I've been able to sustain in NYC is four weeks. And that's only because for two of those weeks the guy was out of town.
And so, after having a lot of No Sex in the City, and yet another bad date, I've decided to compile this list:
ELNA BAKER'S TOP FIVE WORST DATES:
1. Recently I was on a date with a party promoter. He ordered whiskey. I ordered water. Which would've been fine except that our pushy waiter kept trying to get me to sample the wine, the sake, the specialty cocktail, etc. Finally my date interrupted him, "Don't give her such a hard time. She's a Mormon. Mormons don't drink." We both laughed, until it dawned on me: "Wait a second... Did you know I was Mormon, or were you just making a joke?"
"What?" he nearly choked. "You're a Mormon?"
2. While out on a first date, I found myself defending my decision not to have sex before marriage for the one hundredth time. "You're putting the pussy on a pedestal," my date interrupted, "Sex is a totally natural function. It's as normal as picking your nose." He proceeded to dig one finger in and out of his left nostril while smiling suggestively.
3. I was thrilled when a guy from church actually asked me out, that is until he picked me up in his mini-van. As we drove to dinner, I glanced back at all the empty seats and felt overwhelmed by the enormous pressure. He wants me to someday fill this. Dinner wasn't any better. When I told my Utah-born-and-raised date that I'd been living in the city for nine years, he looked at me in shock and said, "Do you at least know how to sew?"
4. After just kissing the same guy three weekends in a row (without ever explaining that I'm a Mormon and my limit is first base) my date got tired of waiting and slid his hand up my shirt. Instinctively, I tensed up.
"You're so uptight," he whispered into my ear, "I mean, come on, did you and your last boyfriend even do anal?"
5. And last but not least: I was asked to dinner by a famous French director.
"You're a Mormon?" he asked, as soon as I arrived.
"Can you have ze sex?"
I was surprised at his candor. "No," I answered.
He looked at me in disbelief. "Well, if you can't have ze sex, what can you do?"
For simplicity's sake I took my left arm and lined it up under my collarbone, "Nothing below here," I said. I lined my right arm across my knees, "Nothing above here."
"What about your armpit?" he asked, "Can your boyfriend do anything he wants to ze armpit?"
I thought for a moment, "Yeah," I said optimistically. "My boyfriend can do anything he wants to my armpit."
"This is good," he said, "He can stick his penis in and out of ze armpit, and if you grow hair it is almost like a vagine."
My jaw dropped. "Is it too late to change my answer?"
Now that I've shared a few of my disastrous dates with you, I ask, no, I beg you to share a few of your worst dates with me (it'll make tonight's bad date worth all the agony). Do you have any terrible, awkward, or offensive dating stories to share? Please, do tell.
P.S. My one consolation after returning home early is that at least I get to spend more time with my puppy. This is Carlos and me hanging out at home.
(As featured in the picture, I wore an awesome vintage sweater with music notes on it. My date took one look at my sweater and said, "Uhh, jazzy," in a voice that made it very clear he was not a fan.)